weak (arden)

[Logan Andrews]

I concede. I give up. I can't do it.
Weak-minded? Maybe. Just weak? Probably. But that doesn't matter.
I'm sick of walking around Knockturn Alley, feeling terribly sorry for myself and being annoyed at everything. I'm sick of not knowing where I'm going to spend the night or how much firewhisky I'm going to consume in an evening.
If only it were just that though.
Because I'm also sick of not knowing if I'll talk to or make eye contact with someone or if I'll just slip through the day without.

It's never mattered to me much whether I'm alone or not.
I have very precious few people that feature more than once in my day to day life, and even fewer whom I actually like. And I think there have only been two or three in my entire life who I've liked that haven't been related to me.
Lately - in the past decade or so - there's only been one and I'm standing on her doorstep right now because it's recently become painfully obvious that I really do care whether or not I'm alone.

It's not as if her presence in my existence has even been constant, as she's drifted in and out of it since we were children...at times playing important roles and at other times just on chance encounters that have filled up a spot of time.
Until the post-Azkaban period of time where she got upgraded to someone...important. Someone who I, apparently, can't quite function properly without.

Of course, I'm sure I'd get over it.
If I gave it a little more time, I'd start to forget, start to not care anymore, and then eventually...I'd forget entirely and stop caring completely and then I'd be over it.
But I don't think that I do actually want to get over it...not entirely, or maybe I'd be trying harder and maybe I'd have been able to leave like I was intending and I could be...halfway across the world by now, as far away as humanly possible, safe from the threat of arrest and distracted and this would not even be an issue.

As it is, however, I'm stuck lingering around Knockturn Alley or occasionally venturing out into the muggle world. This hasn't worked out very well though, I suppose.
In the past few days, I've talked to Fitzy which is never very pleasant, been punched in the face by Riley...quite hard, hard enough to leave a mark anyway, and met Arden's sister which also wasn't very pleasant.
And it's probably her fault I'm here. Or at least she's a contributing factor...inadvertently convincing me to do this, to be here.

I just... want to know if there's any chance of Arden being happy again. So if you want to know that as well, go work out your differences or whatever it was that went wrong. And if you really don't care if she's crying, then... get the hell out of my shop and go walk off a cliff. See? That isn't complicated at all.
I run through it one more time, not entirely liking the way it sounds or how bad it does make me feel...like it's my fault and maybe I really should go and walk off a cliff.

Although, no, I won't be doing that.
No matter how guilty I feel, how bad it gets...I'm just not that way inclined. In fact, feeling that way tends to help keep me sane, so it's very unlikely that I'm ever going to feel the need to go walking off a cliff.
So I guess that's why I'm here. Not just because her little sister has a disturbing ability to say something that will repeat in my head for hours...days...however long afterwards...but because this is the quickest way to make it feel alright again, because I apparently have a total disregard for common sense, because I'm weak-minded and a little bit pathetic and can't stick to a decision.
Or because I love her.

But I'm not going to stay long, at the moment.
This is just a very brief lapse in will power, and I'll give her...fifteen seconds to open the door now, and if she hasn't by then, I will leave because it's obviously not supposed to happen and then I really won't come back if that's the case.
It's only fair to let chance make up my mind for me, I suppose. If I leave it to forces beyond my control...then it's fine, as if it's not really me caving to temptation and coming back here.
Just to see her, of course.
Maybe I'm not quite leaving it up to chance though, because there's a definite pause between knocking and before I start counting back from fifteen in my head.

[Arden Patricks]

I think... I feel better.
By 'better' I mean that I haven't started crying yet today, and somehow I don't think I'm going to. I do feel sad, of course... subdued... but not to the point of apathy. I guess I'm starting to get over it.

And part of that bothers me, because i really shouldn't yet because... I don't want to. I don't know. It feels too fast somehow. Which of course is ridiculous because most of the time I've been upset, I've felt like it's pathetic and I need to just snap out of it already. Oh well. I guess I never can be really happy with how I am. And besides, maybe this is just a good day. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel much worse again. But today I feel... stable... and haven't felt the need to go wandering around just to get away. Instead, I've spent the morning drawing up a pros and cons list. He isn't coming back, so I may as well get used to the idea, even if it's in a really weird way.

So, so far, under 'pros' I have:
- seeing Melody... and, also, Fitzy if that can be counted as a pro
- lack of random annoyance floating around the house, because he really was quite irritating
- absence of flightiness where Riley is concerned
- no more need to worry that he'll be caught (unless he really hasn't left yet) or fear of arrest
-
-

And, under cons, I've written:
- depression
- pressure from Riley, unintentional or not
- more depression, because I want to list it twice
-
-

This is the first I've actually looked at the list since I started making it, and after a couple of minutes of doing so I tear it into pieces. Stupid thing to do. I really need to get a damn job.
But first, I should answer the door. Someone's just knocked, and I really don't care who it is because it's clear I should be doing something else if I've resorted to making strange lists at the kitchen table.
I don't actually know if I want to see anybody or not, but I think it's pretty clear that I should.

Unless it's him.
My hand falls off the doorknob and I take a step back, reminding me vaguely of when he first showed up here all those ages ago. It really almost is like seeing a ghost, because he's not supposed to be here. He's supposed to be in Paraguay or something, and if not for the bruise on Riley's face the last time we talked, I really might think that this is some ghost or apparition, because up until then I really did think he was gone, and then I knew he wasn't but still should be, so that the first thing to come out of my mouth is the slightly-less-than-friendly, "What are you doing here?"

[Logan Andrews]

I pause, taking a step back because my counting sort of lost steam when I got to eight and I got distracted by staring across the street instead, so I guess the 'leaving it to chance' didn't really hold true for very long.
"Being really fucking idiotic." I answer after a moment, with a brief nod.
Either she doesn't want to see me, although that's not what Lilith said and Riley implied the same thing so...I don't know if that's the case or not, or she's referring to the fact that I should be very far away by now and am clearly not.
So idiocy is the only way to describe it, really. I've only just really thought about it, that coming back here is like a definite life sentence because it's really not going to be very long before auror's come for me now, whereas maybe I had a chance to escape before but if I'm here...then I'm here. I don't know if that would make sense, had I said it out loud, but I know what I mean...sort of.
"Ah...hello, by the way."

[Arden Patricks]

"I... hello yourself."
I can't seem to stop staring at him, like he's going to disappear if I look away... but, that's ridiculous, so I look away anyway. I don't know what he means about being an idiot, and I don't want to think he's coming back. The logic still holds, anyway, whether I'd like to ignore it or not, and I'm sure that he's aware of that as well. Especially the part about how he should get out of here.
"So is this just some extra goodbye before you finally leave, or what?" I ask the floor between our feet. Nicely phrased, I think, not really leaning too far in either direction.

[Logan Andrews]

"No, actually. I-..." Don't know what I'm doing here, just that I really had to see you because I can't take feeling like this anymore and I thought that this would be easy if I could just get here and speak to you but apparently it isn't.
That'd be nice, if I could actually say that, but instead I just glance reluctantly round the porch, which is fine because she's looking at the floor anyway, before trying a different tactic and continuing after a brief hesitation, "-...had a bit of trouble leaving, at all. So..."
That came out a bit wrong, though, on hindsight. Making it sound like I'm just seeking refuge again when I'm not, but I don't know how to correct myself...expressing myself has never really been a strong point of mine, I suppose.

[Arden Patricks]

"So...?" I ask, looking up and frowning as I invite him to continue. "What the hell does that mean, that you had trouble leaving? You need a place to stay again or what?"
If that is the case... I'll let him, because I'm just an idiot like that, but I can guarantee I won't be okay with it.

[Logan Andrews]

"That I had trouble leaving. What else would it mean?" I mutter, shrugging.
I'm sure it could mean a lot of things, things that would make sense like I'm being watched or that I'm worried I'd get followed and arrested anyway if I left, or that I just couldn't think of anywhere to go. But it's more like I tried...and then couldn't, because I got possessed by some idiot spirit, determined to make me stay and not let it end...like this.
"But no, not really...needing a place to stay, I mean." Shrug. "I just...sort of, wanted to see you, and now I have, and I can leave again if you want although I'd really rather not, just yet anyway."

[Arden Patricks]

I can't seem to think of any reply to that, except perhaps something along the general lines of, 'it's good to see you too,' but I can't really say that 'cause my throat has gone and closed up again.
I think instead I might kiss him, because I've kind of been wanting to for... weeks now. I'm pretty sure it's been weeks, though maybe it just felt like it. But when we were saying goodbye I know I really wanted to kiss him, and probably would have if I hadn't been so determined to make sure he didn't see me cry. And then maybe all this would'nt've even happened, but who knows?

I don't give in to the impulse, however, because I really don't want to be hurt anymore so I have to make sure.
"... Are you... possibly saying that you've come back, and that maybe we were idiots and just because we can't be normal doesn't mean... I don't know." I swallow hard, and take a breath, looking at my feet again.

[Logan Andrews]

"Something like that..." I nod after a moment when my voice comes back combined with words that make a bit of sense, because one without the other would probably result in more disjointed rambling and I've already done enough of that.
"Yeah," I add after a moment, "Actually, pretty much exactly."

[Arden Patricks]

I pause just to let this sink in, then look down at the ground again. "So... do you want to come in?"

[Logan Andrews]

I pause to breathe out, not realising that I'd even been holding in a sigh until I can let it go again, then nod slightly, "Yes...I suppose so."

[Arden Patricks]

I nod in return, stepping back to let him in and feeling like I ought to feel different than I do. I was pretty much miserable without him, and now he's suddenly back. And I definitely feel much... lighter, and possibly happy, but somehow that doesn't cut it. It's just a bit weird though, at the moment. The whole damn breakup was weird, and everything before that was weird, so maybe this is fitting... but still.

[Logan Andrews]

I pause, for some reason, before I head past her and into the house.
There's a definite sense of relief...but it feels complacent somehow, not quite as relieved as I should be.
I suppose just because...we're back together, sort of, doesn't mean that anything is fixed or better or anything. Still going to get arrested or killed, still possibly going to go mad, still too abnormal to function properly, still too socially inept to be able to think of anything to say, still too inhibited to interact normally...and it goes on and on and on...
But I'm not going to think about that, and instead I'm going to try and...just stop being bloody pessimistic or stupid for five minutes, so I can be properly happy or something.

[Arden Patricks]

"Ah... so...." I say slowly, closing the door behind him. "How've you been?"
At least it's something to say.

[Logan Andrews]

"...Fine." I answer after a brief hesitation, not entirely truthfully but unwilling to go into it. "And you?"

[Arden Patricks]

"Pretty much... upset," I shrug, not wanting to actually say miserable. I hesitate slightly before sitting down on the edge of the couch, as if this isn't my home and I'm not sure if I should.

[Logan Andrews]

"So I heard," I answer, then wonder if maybe I shouldn't have said that at all but I don't see the harm.
I don't really want to sit right now, so instead of following her I lean up against the wall.

[Arden Patricks]

"And I heard that you punched Riley in the face," I counter, raising my eyebrows and shaking my head. "Or... saw, more like." And actually, now that I'm paying proper attention, it looks like it might have been mutual.

[Logan Andrews]

My hand goes lightly, almost immediately, to the not-quite-bruise on the side of my face. It's annoying me, at the moment, refusing to quite just come out in bruising properly so it still sort of hurts, but I manage to catch myself before I can touch it and force my hand back down again.
I do wonder, if it's wrong to be amused, because on hindsight I'm sure I would have found it funny had I not been so pissed off at the time.
"Hm," I say lightly, "Well, he was asking for it."

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head again, pause, and then decide to ask anyway. "How so?"
Because this is nice and normal, at least for us, and some of the weirdness has faded. So I'd kind of like to continue with that.

[Logan Andrews]

"Because he can't leave well enough alone," I answer with a shrug, "And he wouldn't go away."
It was something like that anyway, I think.

[Arden Patricks]

"Shouldn't've asked," I murmur, shaking my head yet again but then smiling faintly because I guess it's weirdly... endearing, or maybe just amusing and kind of nice to hear because it's so typical Logan.

[Logan Andrews]

"Probably not." I agree, because I actually thought the answer was sort of obvious anyway and she wouldn't need to ask.
Maybe now I've got it out of my system, I won't have to be quite as hostile towards him...but I really doubt that. So maybe it'll happen again, but probably not until I feel that shitty again.
I half-frown faintly when I look over in time to catch her smile, but more in a bemused way than anything with a half-smile to go with it, "What? You don't disapprove?"
I would have sort of thought that she would...although maybe she wants to punch him sometimes too.

[Arden Patricks]

"Well, not entirely," I shrug. "I guess I'm used to it, from you, and I'm just so pleased to see you that I really don't care." I pause, not sure if I should say this or not. "... And I kind of wanted to slap him a bit recently."

[Logan Andrews]

I shrug most of that off, because I suppose I am somewhat predictable and it is quite nice to hear that she's glad to see me, because I'm quite glad to see her too and otherwise it'd be hard to tell if that was mutual or not.
But then I raise an eyebrow slightly, saying...mostly indifferently as if I won't do anything about it, "Oh? What's he done?"

[Arden Patricks]

Oh, nothing. Just... pressuring me to kiss him.
Well, I'm certainly not going to say that. I hesitate again... but I don't think it's necessarily insulting to say that I don't really trust him where Riley is concerned.
"Nothing important," I shrug. "I'm overreacting anyway and it was largely my fault. Just... annoyed me to the point I'm not as pissed as I might have been that you hit him."

[Logan Andrews]

Hm...very clever.
I can't exactly even be irritated if she's going to be that vague...probably a good thing, but that in itself is a little bit annoying.
"Right...very vague."

[Arden Patricks]

"Apologies if you think it's unfair of me not to trust you with... this," I say, rising my eyebrows at him again. "But annoying as he sometimes can be, I don't want you overreacting and killing him or something."

[Logan Andrews]

"No, it's reasonable," I shrug, "I'm just curious."

[Arden Patricks]

"Understandable," I shrug. "And I do want to tell you... just... I don't know, just because. But you do tend to overreact."