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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 20:58:31 GMT
Strangely enough, I'm feeling very still today. I don't particulary want to go out wandering. I even went out for a bit, then just turned round and came back again.
It's sort of lost it's appeal somehow, for some reason. I'm much more content to just sit for a while. It probably won't last for very long, but for now it's sort of nice, because it involves less getting cold and less chance of bumping into people, and I'm doing really well at not really thinking.
I think the total lack of being restless has just lead to being really lazy, because I've just been sat here all day, with my head propped up on my hand, staring at the floor.
Not exactly productive, but time consuming none-the-less.
It's been...not very long since the suicide attempt. Enough time for it to not quite be as sore as before, but enough time to notice that something is different.
I sort of thought that the strange, hollow sort of feeling was just shock, fear I guess that she could have been gone so easily and that would be that. But you'd think that wouldn't hang around like that. Maybe.
I don't know. I still feel like there's something that's gone, and whether it's the restlessness or something else. Something changed, internally, there.
Or maybe I just realised how much it genuinely would suck if she was dead, and it's that.
Whatever it is. It doesn't matter.
It's over for now.
Well, that's over. There's still the inevitable arrest to look forward to, followed by the inevitable death, followed by the inevitable fact that I won't be able to stop her if she chooses to try killing herself again or something.
Lovely. But for now, I don't think I will worry. Or at least I will try not to. I will, instead, just sit here and not think because I am getting rather good at it.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 21:18:38 GMT
I'm pretty sure the library is wishing that they hadn't taken me back, considering that about the first thing I do is stop showing up for work. It's no longer my sanctuary anyway, I don't think. Now it's just something I do... except for when I don't because I'm babysitting Logan to make sure he doesn't kill anyone, or being babysat myself to make sure I don't try and off myself again.
Of course, today I'm not sure if it's either of those things. Maybe both. Except Logan has been in the living room all day doing god knows what, and I've been in here finishing the cleaning that I started back before he showed up. My closet is organized now, and I feel absurdly accomplished because it's something other than doing nothing. But now... I think I'll go see what sort of nothing he's been up to, because... just because. Which of course is the weird part, that it's like we're just some normal couple or something. Though maybe that's just on my end.
"Hey," I nod in greeting, eying him where he seems to be contemplating the carpet and that's pretty much it. "Is that all you've done with yourself today?"
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 21:27:42 GMT
"Hey."
I continue staring at the floor for a few seconds longer as if she's interrupted me and I need to finish whatever it is before I can turn to look up at her. I just had to finish whatever sentence I happened to be thinking, rather than because the carpet had made a particularly good argument or anything.
But then I do turn to glance at her, smile briefly and vaguely by way of proper greeting and then shrug, "Yes, pretty much."
"What about you?"
I'm fairly sure she's been here all day. Either that or I've just been hearing things occasionally, which is never a good sign.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 21:33:25 GMT
"I was... randomly organizing things so I could feel like I accomplished something." I shrug slightly, pause a beat and then decide that yes, I really will mention it. "Odd that you haven't left the house at all."
I'm not really certain how long he's been here, but I know it's a fair stretch of time and I don't think he normally does that.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 21:36:26 GMT
"Feel accomplished then?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
Then I shrug slightly, "Went out briefly earlier. Came back again. Think it's lost it's appeal."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 21:42:35 GMT
"Bit," I shrug, then eye him for a moment again, frowning slightly before shaking my head. "Hm."
And then I decide to go sit next to him, because I feel normal today so it's okay to do things that would usually be weird because they're normal. Which is confusing.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 21:46:28 GMT
I shift up a bit when she comes to sit next to me, because I was slumped before and taking up too much space and now there is a nice small bit of distance between us, because that's easiest.
"Hm, indeed," I shrug, then ask after a small pause, "How are you?"
I shouldn't sound quite as cautious as I do, probably, but I think it's probably best to remain a little wary for at least a week or so after a suicide attempt, surely.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 21:49:05 GMT
Right... I shake my head. Well, I'm more normal than he is then, but that's kind of always been the case.
"Fine," I shrug, then frown faintly. "Actually, weirdly fine. But I guess that usually helps to snap me out of it. I'd forgotten about that."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 21:52:42 GMT
I decide it's probably best not to reply to that, so I just make a small "Hm," sort of noise in the back of my throat, before deciding that's not quite enough and instead saying, "That's good then, I guess."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 21:57:27 GMT
And that was most likely an odd thing to say... but screw it. I shrug slightly, not replying. I don't especially want to think about all that, anyway.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 21:59:54 GMT
"Well, this went quiet fast," I note lightly, shrugging just a little bit.
It always does, I suppose, but we started off with a pretty bad topic so no wonder.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 22:05:17 GMT
"Mm...." I agree, nodding, then raise my eyebrows at him. "We could just stay quiet of course."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 22:06:51 GMT
"We could," I agree, raising an eyebrow back at her.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 22:16:00 GMT
And now I feel stupid because I don't think he got what I was hinting at and I feel like a silly, needy schoolgirl or something, so instead I shake my head. "No, never mind. It's mildly weird to just sit here in silence."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 22:18:21 GMT
I grin wryly, shaking my head vaguely at her, then turning her head gently to kiss her.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 22:23:46 GMT
Or... never mind again. I kiss him gently back once I get over the surprise, moving slightly closer to him.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 22:27:22 GMT
My personal space seems to shrink and grow randomly, I've noticed, and at the moment it's shrunk quite small so it's alright to pull her slightly closer, sliding one arm lightly around her back so it's easier to do so.
There. Better.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 16, 2009 22:40:17 GMT
I smile briefly before deepening the kiss, slowly moving my arms around him back.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 16, 2009 22:51:53 GMT
I gently pull her forward and onto my lap, kissing her deeply back.
This is more fun than watching the carpet.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 17, 2009 1:05:07 GMT
I laugh slightly, breaking the kiss for a moment to tilt my head at him. "Thank you."
I'm fully aware that it's kind of a strange thing to say... but I've kind of been needing this and I'm not the type to say so.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 17, 2009 10:18:02 GMT
"Ah...you're welcome?" I reply, raising an eyebrow in mystification.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 17, 2009 15:12:23 GMT
"Never mind," I shrug, shaking my head.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 17, 2009 15:13:58 GMT
"Alright then," I shrug, kissing her lightly again.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 17, 2009 15:16:24 GMT
I lean in closer again, kissing him back.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 17, 2009 15:24:46 GMT
I deepen the kiss, resting my hands lightly on her waist.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 17, 2009 16:07:09 GMT
I kiss him back deeply, running one hand up the back of his neck.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 17, 2009 16:51:49 GMT
I break the kiss after a moment, tilting my head to kiss her neck instead.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 17, 2009 17:21:17 GMT
"Hm...." I half-close my eyes, enjoying that, up until the prickle of guilt.
I'm going to ignore it though, and kiss along his jawline instead.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Jan 17, 2009 17:32:05 GMT
I tilt my head slightly, biting the inside of my lip briefly because that feels pretty good, then turn my head to catch her lips again.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 17, 2009 17:37:07 GMT
It would seem that guilt is a little bit harder to ignore than I'd like, now that I'm reminded of it, but I kiss him back anyway, fiercely, determined to just make up for it and therefore make it go away.
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