rough (riley)

[Logan Andrews]

It's been a rough couple of days.
I have no right to think that...none at all, really, because I'm the one at the root of the problem and...it's all my own fault, so I shouldn't have the right to claim that it's been a rough couple of days.
But it really has.
There's been the whole being caught in the act thing, that was pretty bad. And...the ensuing conversation was pretty awful.
What's worse is the fact that I'm sane now.
It's one thing to do bad things and then not care afterwards because I retained the state of mind...it is completely another to do the same awful things, and then feel like a normal person afterwards.
If I wasn't absolutely terrified of death, then I would throw myself off a building or something.

I can't seem to swallow or anything, and sometimes it seems that I can't breathe either...so I've been wandering around since then in a complete daze, nearly catatonic.
I can't sleep either and I can almost feel my thought processes getting slower and slower, crying out for rest so I can be coherent again.
Of course...that's only at times where I'm sane.

There have been those worrying little moments when I wander off outside and stalk people, thinking about what I could do and what I really want to do, and then forcing myself back at the last minute.
I'm worried about that. Very worried.
I don't want to be that way anymore. I really, truly honestly don't.
I wish there was some cure or something...just a spell or a course of medication or something like that which would just...fix me so I wouldn't have to be insane ever again.

I've never been that much of a masochist. I just don't have that sort of a personality and I never have, I'd much rather take that sort of thing out on other people than direct it internally.
And that's what I'm sort of doing now...not with the self-neglect, but with this.
I was just wandering around in the muggle world, within a few streets radius of Arden's, when I wound up here. In this muggle park. This muggle park where I ran into and spoke to my brother just last week.
It's hard to believe it was just last week. It's also...it's just hard in general and it hurts and I don't actually want to be here. But I ended up here anyway...probably just because I feel like I deserve that discomfort.

Although maybe that discomfort is coming from a different source. Namely the fact that I'm exhausted and am starting to feel vaguely sick from a mixture of no sleep and with my own self-disgust.
So I come to a hault by a bench by the side of the path and sink down on that instead.
Her name was Natasha Goldman.
I sit up bolt upright at that...because really...where the hell did that come from?
I read it, in that article, abou that woman that I killed. Sometimes it's worse when they have names, it depends. This time it's worse that she had a name, and that I happen to know she was thirty three, which is only a few years older than I am.
I think...maybe, as rough as these past few days have been, it's not going to get any smoother from here on out.

[Riley Pearson]

[ gah, sorry Matty.. I hope this isn't completely terrible.. I somehow forgot to answer this for the rest of the night, so I wrote it at 2am Hope it makes some kind of sense ]

I was actually in a good mood today. I couldn't even remember the last time I was this.. okay feeling. For the time being, I was so preoccupied with my kids and with Lilian being alive, that I had actually somehow managed to nearly completely forget about Riyann.
Forgetting about her lately was like my girls being quiet. It didn't happen. And when it did, it really wasn't that often. So to finally have her off my mind, it was really a relief.

But something that wasn't a relief was the fact that even though I was in a good mood, I couldn't stop worrying about Arden. I tried to not think about it, but I quickly found that it was something that just wasn't possible for me.
I knew that I couldn't do anything about it short of going to her house and making sure that she didn't do anything stupid (Something I'm sure the two of them wouldn't like). But if something happened to her, I knew that I was going to blame myself. Sometimes I wonder if she really understands how much she means to me.

But despite all of that, today brought me to the park down the street from my parent's house. I had Lilian here with me, as well as the girls. They were off talking on the swing set and I was here on a bench with Lil, talking to her and trying to keep an eye on them.
I felt like I was looking up every few moments, but I really just couldn't help it lately. And I guess that it was good that I was, because one time after looking up, a familiar face caught my eye.
And it wasn't exactly someone that I wanted to see.
Lilian noticed me staring at someone and stopped what she was talking about, looking over in the direction just as I took my eyes off of him.
"Who're you looking at?" Lil asked with a slightly confused look as she turned her eyes back to me.
I didn't say anything for a moment before shrugging faintly. "That's Logan."
Her eyebrows raised slightly at his name and I gave her a bit of a confused expression. Since when did she know who that was.
"You mean, Arden's Logan?" She asked glancing back over to him. "He's sort of cute." She commented a moment later.
I gave a snorted slightly and shook my head. "Please never say that again." I said shaking my head over to her.
"Well, I'm going to go talk to him." Lil said finally starting to stand up off the bench.
I grabbed her arm nearly instantly and held her back. "No you're not."
"Yes I am, Riley. Come on, you're not my mum." She said back to him with a small laugh. But I definitely wasn't laughing.
"Lil, just don't." I said back to her, not letting go of her arm. She eventually just rolled her eyes and sighed, sitting back down.
"Someone's bitter." She said crossing her arms infront of her.
"I'm not bitter.. I just don't want you talking to him." I said feeling slightly less happy now. You already died once, it doesn't need to happen again.

[Logan Andrews]

(lol...it's lovely. don't worry about it. )

I wish that Natasha Goldman would just leave me alone. Ha, now there's a thought.
She never did anything to me at all. It was completely unprovoked. She was just unlucky enough to come across me in a bad mood. But really, she's dead and gone now, probably lying in a morgue somewhere, so there's no need to keep bothering me.
She's probably lying in a morgue somewhere. That bothers me too, actually. That thought really...gets to me.
Yeah, she probably is. I wonder if she has family that are going to mourn for her, or if she doesn't. Is she going to have a big funeral or a small one? How many people are going to be there? Where's she going to be buried, or is she going to be cremated?
She was the same age as my sister. They even looked a bit alike...except they didn't, they just both happened to have dark hair. She was the same age as my sister, and my sister has three children. I hope Natasha Goldman didn't have children.
Maybe she got kicked around as much as my sister, maybe she got taken advantage of and bullied as much as Adalia did, so much so that it was almost a mercy in the end. But I still wouldn't kill my own sister, and if someone else did then I'd track them down and make them suffer for it. So...maybe it still wasn't okay. In any reality. Whoever she was and whatever she had.

Maybe this time...a few days, a few weeks, a few months...whatever, from now, I'll be going through the same thing.
Or maybe it'll be worse.
Maybe it'd be Arden or something. It would make sense, wouldn't it? If I somehow lost that strange little flicker of inhibition that flares up whenever she aggravates me, or maybe if even I just needed it too much...she'd be there, in the same house, in close proximity. Just there for me to reach out and take and then she'd be gone and then I'd be-...I'd be fine. I probably wouldn't care unless I somehow regained sanity again.
Then I think I might be ready to go, if that was the case, but I couldn't do it myself. I don't know...maybe walk right into the ministry and wait for someone to recognise me. Go straight on up to the auror department if need be.
Maybe I should do that. A preemptive thing. So this ends now and no one else gets hurt.

But I won't.
Not yet.
Not until the very last moment when I absolutely have to.

I realise I've been staring very hard at the ground, frowning deeply for all this time, and look up quickly as if I'm expecting something to draw my attention.
It does, near immediately, and I wonder dimly if I just got a sixth sense sort of thing, because I happen to look in the exact direction where Riley is standing.
For fuck's sake.
At least this time he doesn't seem to be coming over here, which is a relief.
I suppose I should have expected to see him with a group...no surprise, really. The two kids and the woman, maybe his wife although I thought she was in Azkaban.
I note all this dimly, without really caring, before realising that I'm actually staring at him and should stop that, and also probably leave.
I get up to go, and then I'm not sure what happens because everything lurches sideways briefly. I think it's most likely a mix of fatigue and spending so long sitting down and then standing up so suddenly, but it throws me off for a moment and I have to grip the back of the bench until I regain my balance.
So overall, that was very uncomposed and sluggish and maybe I should just sit back down and maybe I would, but I want to leave.

[Riley Pearson]

[ then yay ]

I feel a pair of eyes on me and I look over to where they're coming from, not surprised when I see that it's Logan that's staring at me. I didn't especially want to talk to him and I'm positive that that feeling was mutual. I had to admit though, that I wondered if he knew of Arden's plan. Her really stupid plan. If he didn't I'm sure he wouldn't mind hearing it, cos if he loves her, I feel like he should give a shit. Arden wouldn't last very long in Azkaban and I'm sure he would think the same thing.
But I still don't want to go over there. Lilian apparently does for some reason though because she keeps looking over there and fidgeting.
I had already looked away from him and over to the girls again before I felt some weight being lifted off the bench.
And of course I looked over to see that Lilian was somehow already twenty feet away from me. What'd she do? Run? I sighed and decided that I probably wasn't going to get my way with this. I was going to be watching her, very closely. But this was all very unnerving and I wish she would have just stayed put. I still really don't want to go over there, but now I knew I was going to end up there anyway.
Lil eventually got over there and I could hear her voice but that was it, I was having trouble making out what she was actually saying.
Plus, you would think after that long of being in hinding she would know better than go over there. I wonder what Arden even told her about him.
"You're Logan, right?" Lil asked with a smile looking at him once she got close enough. "Are you alright? Looks like you lost your balance or something." She commented a moment later, tucking a piece of her curly blonde hair behind her ear.

[Logan Andrews]

( )

Oh fuck off.
"I'm fine," I shrug, "I just-..." Another shrug.
I just really need to rest for a minute, really. To just stop. Stop thinking, stop staying relentlessly awake, stop wanting to hurt things, stop in general.
I've had enough and I don't want to have to talk to whoever she is.

I'm fairly sure she's not his wife, after all. I distinctly remember being told she was in Azkaban, and whoever this...well, she's clearly never been in Azkaban.
I'm also a bit irritated that she knows who I am and I don't know who she is. I really hate that. I can't stand it. I think Riley and I got off on the same foot. So this isn't boding well.
Not to mention I'm slightly homicidal lately anyway, so I glance past her towards him as if this is somehow his fault that she's over here. It probably is. He should have stopped her.
"Who are you?" I mutter.

[Riley Pearson]

She nodded towards him, "You should sit down for a while I think." She said keeping the smile on her face, though it was actually laced with a small look of concern as well. She didn't know anything who Logan was. She was muggle and even though she did keep up with the wizarding world. I usually didn't fill her in on things like this. And on people like him. She didn't have to know that.

"Oh, I'm Riley's sister. I ran into Arden the other day and she mentioned you." She said happily, apparently not noticing the fact that he didn't want to talk to her, or probably anyone for that matter.

I catch Logan looking at me, assuming that he's just going to blame me for her going over there. But like I said, there was no stopping her, so I was just going to have to go over there myself and remove her.
So this is when I stand up and looking over at the girls again, start over to them.

[Logan Andrews]

"No, I don't think I will," I shake my head, now frowning slightly at her.
I don't know why she's smiling so relentlessly at me. She's probably just one of those people, the ones that I really hate, those happy, upbeat, friendly people.
Either that or she's mentally impaired or something.
I don't think I'd actually be too surprised if she was.

"Riley's sister...right."
I thought his sister was dead, but I suppose it's entirely feasible that he has more than one sister.
And I think that I should go now, actually, because there's very little reason for me to stay apart from the...the pressing need for sadism. I don't think she wants to be on the receiving end of that, particularly.
And now Riley's coming over here...so I suppose I should do the decent thing and wait for him at least, just so I can turn around and leave when he does get here. I don't know.

[Riley Pearson]

"Oh." She commented, her smile lessening a bit. "Okay then.." Lil bit her lip for a moment and then sighed a little bit. She was starting to think that maybe she shouldn't've come over here.. but I guess it was too late for that.
But luckily that was around when I got over there. "Hey Lil, could you go check on the girls for me?" I asked just wanting her to leave because I really didn't want her around him. By any means.
She sighed and shook her head slightly, "Fine. Nice to meet you Logan." She said turning toward him at the second sentence, before rolling her eyes at me and walking away.
I waited till she was a bit further away and looked back toward Logan, really having no idea what I was going to say to him.
"Has Arden been acting weird lately?" I asked first off, wanting to get to the point. Cos I think that's the reason I wanted to say something to him the first place, but I really can't be sure anymore.

[Logan Andrews]

"Fuck you very much, Riley's sister," I reply after her, mostly under my breath, as she turns away.
She didn't tell me her name, I realise belatedly, but I don't really care anyway. And that was really quite immature of me anyway, but I don't really care about that either.
I'm just in that kind of mood, I suppose.

Then I glance at him when he speaks, shrugging nonchalantly while I delay the inevitable answer.
"Define 'weird'."

[Riley Pearson]

I don't think Lilian heard what he said, but I definitely did. He just kept finding ways to make me dislike him even more. "Look, I didn't want her to come over here, okay?" I said back to him, crossing my arms infront of my chest. I didn't like people talking to my sister like that, but I guess I wasn't really going to do anything about it. Frankly just because I didn't feel like dying today.. or being hit.. or whatever.

"I've just been worried about her." I said shaking my head a little bit. "Weird as in.. unstable, I guess?" I added, moving my arms and putting my hands in my pockets with a small shrug.

[Logan Andrews]

I shrug, because I don't care whether he wanted her to come over here or not. And also, apparently, that wasn't enough to provoke him.
I'm sure that would have been interesting. Maybe I can provoke him into snapping or something. I'd deserve it...unless, he's completely incompetent and failed in doing anything remotely painful to another human being at all. But I suppose, not everyone's a sadist.

"Weird as in...suicidal?" I broach after a moment, quite unable to maintain eye contact for a moment so I end up glancing at the space just above his head.
Because...if she has been acting weird as in suicidal, then I didn't notice and if he did then I'm probably not going to like it. Probably won't do anything about it, of course.

[Riley Pearson]

I have snapped before.. a few times.. but now I'm a bit more wary about who I do that with. Mainly because I probably would end up getting hurt rather than him. Not to mention my kids are only a couple hundred feet away from where we were standing. Close enough that it's not okay to do anything.

I lift my eyes sharply up him at the word, 'suicidal' and stare at him a moment. There were only a couple reasons he would have said that and I really don't want to assume it was becuase she did commit suicide.. or attempted to, again. Hopefully it was just because that's what he noticed, or because he knew about what she was planning on doing if he got caught or turned in.
"Maybe.. yeah." I ended up saying with a small nod, feeling extremely uneasy now.

[Logan Andrews]

Damn.
Of course it wouldn't be that easy, of course I'd end up actually having to say it out loud. Karma or something.
"Well...yeah, then, I've definitely noticed," I half-shrug, chancing a brief glance at the expression on his face, and then quickly reverting to looking above his head instead.
I'd really rather not have to say it actually, so I think I am just going to put it off for as long as I possibly can. Nice.

[Riley Pearson]

That wasn't enough information. I really wish he would just explain his reasoning and maybe even what she's done to make him notice it, but apparently I wasn't going to get that from him.
But now I was just going to assume that maybe she didn't do anything.. I feel like that's something important enough that you would mention it right off the bat.
I paused and waited a little bit to see if he was going to continue and when he didn't tried to think of a question to ask him. "So you know that she's planning on turning herself in.. or committing suicide if you get caught.. and you're actually out here?" I asked shaking my head faintly, getting a bit more upset with him. Then again, maybe he didn't know about that. I didn't know.

[Logan Andrews]

"Ah...well, when you put it like that..." I trail off, shrugging uncomfortably.
It's better in the long run though. If I couldn't be out here, I would be cooped up inside and might start to go a bit loopy again or something, and I don't think that's really necessary right now.
But I think he has got the wrong end of the stick here. I suppose I wasn't being very clear in my sudden need to be an cryptic as possible...surprisingly.
"She...sort of already tried it anyway."

[Riley Pearson]

I frowned slightly and nodded a little bit. But I guess he's gone out enough times already and he hasn't gotten caught yet, so maybe it was alright that he was walking around.. I don't know, I just felt like eventually somebody was going to recognize him.
I think I was calming down a bit.. at least until I heard what he said next and then felt like I may have stopped breathing. So she was planning on killing herself. I knew something didn't feel right about that conversation in the hospital the other day. I had a right to be worried and I just brushed it off. The one time I don't dwell on it, she goes and does something.
I'm sure I'd been quiet for too long and I probably looked as sick as I was starting to feel. But he hadn't said that she was dead. He just said that she tried it. Doesn't mean that she actually succeeded.
"She's not..." I trailed off, staring up at him, shaking my head faintly. I didn't want to finish that sentence, I'm sure he knew what I was going to say anyway.

[Logan Andrews]

"No," I say immediately, shaking my head, "No, she's fi-...alive."
Can't really say fine, I suppose, but she's definitely alive. Unless she tries it again, but I don't want to think about that because it's really quite painful.
I guess...we actually have something in common. Ha.
But I suppose I have to acknowledge that he loves her too, so I might as well be reasonably polite and sincere when we're discussing her.

[Riley Pearson]

I let out the breath that I had been holding in, feeling a bit better now that I knew she was still alive. I don't know what I would have done if she wasn't. Even though I should have been expecting her to do something like this, it still comes to shock and I wish she would just stop doing this.
I took in another breath and let it out, pushing some hair from out of my eyes. "Thank God.." I said quietly to myself, before looking back up at him. "Why the fuck did you leave her alone? When did she do this?" I asked a moment later after it occured to me that he was, in fact, not with her. Which probably meant that she was alone. I'm pretty sure that I raised my voice a bit, mostly just becuase I was still quite upset.

[Logan Andrews]

"Because she's a grown woman and she doesn't need a babysitter," I reply stiffly.
And also she seems slightly...I don't know, less inclined to do it again? Or she did, when I left.
"Yesterday," I answer, less confrontationally this time.
Was it yesterday? I don't know. Time has a funny habit of running into itself a bit when things like this happen...but I know it was an amount of time ago that I deemed sufficient to give her a bit of space, I guess. Or maybe I just got fed up of hanging around there, I don't know.

[Riley Pearson]

"A grown woman who just tried to kill herself." I said back fairly quickly, shaking my head faintly. I took another deep breath, trying to remind myself that she's still alive.
I nodded slightly at his answer. "Yesterday..." I repeated with a small sigh. "I knew something was up the other day." I added, mostly just to myself, but saying it outloud anyway.

[Logan Andrews]

"She won't do it again."
Of course I can't be sure of that, and I never really got that straight an answer, but her state of mind seemed to improve...sort of, didn't it?
"What?" I ask sharply, "You knew something was up and you ignored it?"
Two can play at that game. He wants to make me out to be the bad guy for leaving her on her own, I can make him out to be the bad guy for not acting on a hunch. There we go.

[Riley Pearson]

"If you're sure.." I said quietly, crossing my arms infront of me again. "I just get really worried about her.. I mean, this isn't the first time she's tried something." I added biting my lip for a moment.
I looked back up to him as his question. I should have expected that. ""I didn't know a the time. I just.. I hadn't slept in a while and I thought it was just my imagination. It was one of the only times I actually let it go." Which was why I felt so guilty about this.

[Logan Andrews]

"I know it isn't the first time she's tried something," I mutter.
I don't know how many times or how often or anything like that, but I know I walked in on her hanging out of the astronomy tower window over a decade ago. I think that trying to suffocate herself with a plastic bag was marginally more disturbing, of course.
"Huh," I mutter distastefully, although I let it go. I'm not going to push it further.
I suppose I didn't notice much at all in the few days beforehand, so he's already got one up on me.

[Riley Pearson]

Then again, I'd never actually witnessed her trying to do it. Only heard about it. I was pretty sure that Logan has seen it one or two times. So I have to give him some credit there. For saving her life.. or whatever else he did. I nodded faintly. "You're the one that stopped her this time though?" I asked a little more calmer now looking at him.
"Just the things she was saying to me.. way she said them." I muttered with a shrug. "I dunno.."

[Logan Andrews]

I nod once, very briefly in acknowledgment so now we can drop that line.
Surprisingly, I don't really want to discuss it, least of all with him.
I just shake my head derisively, because I don't want to deliberately blame him out loud but really...it's sort of sounding like he noticed what I didn't and he should have done something about it.

[Riley Pearson]

"I owe you one." I said quietly with a small nod. He obviously didn't want to talk about anything, but I did want to tell him that I appreciated it. I knew that it wasn't.. a favor.. or anything, but I really don't think either of them understand just how much Arden means to me.
I watched him shake his head derisively and raised my eyebrows slightly. "Just say it, it's my fucking fault.." I said looking at him still, even though I was pretty sure that I wouldn't have been able to stop her.

[Logan Andrews]

"No, you don't," I shake my head.
I didn't do it for him. I wouldn't have done it for him. I'm not even sure I did it for her, only for me, because I don't want her to be dead.
And in some way, somehow, it very nearly negates a bit of that guilt about that random woman I killed not all that long ago. Took a life, saved a life sort of thing.
Then I snort slightly and shake my head again, "No, I won't say it."
It's much more my fault. It'd be wrong to blame him. Plus, even if I did, I wouldn't just come right out and say it. Let him think it, by all means.

[Riley Pearson]

"Yes I do." I said nodding my head. "I don't care that you didn't do it for me and or if you did it for you or her.. You still did it." He was there for her when I couldn't be. Was it wrong that I was actually sort of jealous that I wasn't the one to save her? I think that it was... at least a bit.
I was just feeling like an idiot. It wasn't completely my fault, but I knew that it partly was. Just like he was too. He, I'm sure, was one of the reasons she did it.

[Logan Andrews]

"Fine, whatever."
I don't even have the will to argue with him. I don't care. He can think whatever he likes, he can think he owes me one. Next time he can do the whole 'hero' bit or whatever it is that he seems to think that I did, because I'd much rather he did it than me.

[Riley Pearson]

I shrugged again. He didn't have to agree with me, but my opinion wasn't going to change. Actually the more I thought about it, I don't know if I could handle catching her do something like that. In fact, I was pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to. So it was probably a good thing that he did it instead of me.
I sighed and just stood there now. I didn't know what else to say. I didn't even know what I was feeling like anymore.