defeat

[Arden Patricks]

I don't feel right, going out in public like this. I feel like everyone knows that I'm an accessory to murder. I also don't feel entirely okay leaving Logan alone, afraid that I'm practically inviting him to do it again.

But at the same time, I doubt it will make any difference if I'm there or not, except to delay the inevitable. So why the hell shouldn't I visit my brother-in-law, then spend the rest of the afternoon sitting up here in the tearoom in a state of depressed defeatism interspersed with anxiousness? It's as productive as anything else.

[Riley Pearson]

I was tired. More tired than usual actually.
You would think that after finding out that my sister was alive, I'd be getting more sleep, but I found it to be just the opposite.

My nights were mostly involving thinking about how terrible I had been to Riyann. All the things I said and did. I felt really horrible.. but she brought to herself right? She could have told me that she didn't really kill her. Or even that someone else did.
I just kept going back forth between thinking I was wrong to thinking that Riyann was wrong. And I was just mentally exhausted. And now physically becuase of my lack of sleep.
So needless to say, I did not want to be at work today.

I sighed as I walked past the receptionist's desk. "Going on my break.." I said slightly dully with a faint smile to the secretary before going over to the time clock and clocking out.

As I was walking by the tea room, I glanced inside and saw Arden sitting there by herself. So why not go in and say hi? Even though I had to admit that I was looking forward to a nap. "Hey Arden.." I said with a small smile over to her.

[Arden Patricks]

"Hm?" I say vaguely, looking up from my deep contemplation of the table. I recognize my name, but I have to shake my head quickly in order to focus on who said it. "Oh... hi." I smile faintly when I do, not having the energy or inclination to try and make the gesture more genuine. "What brings you here?"

I think I might be a little more spaced-out than I though, I realize a split-second later, remembering he works here. Jesus Christ, Arden... nice poker face. Don't give away the fact that anything's wrong, right?

[Riley Pearson]

I smiled back to her and pulled up a chair next to where she was sitting. "I think you might be a little bit more tired than me." I said with a soft chuckle as I sat down.
"I'm on my break.." I said with a small smile still on my face. "I think the real question is what're you doing here?"

[Arden Patricks]

No, not tired. Just dealing with the fact that my boyfriend murdered one of my neighbors a few days ago.
Dear god, I hope I didn't say that out loud... but after a pause I determine that I didn't.
"I'm... fine," I shrug. "Was just visiting Leo. He... was attacked by a box of magical books. Should be okay; they're just debating whether or not to modify his memory."
I know that Riley knows Leo from all the times that Lilith has invited him to family functions. Highly excitable scifi-loving geek who runs a used bookstore with my sister... pretty hard to forget him.

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded a little bit, even though it didn't really seem like she was. I didn't have many other choices but to just believe her though. I listened to what she told me and raised my eyebrows slightly, "Ouch.. They probably should modify it.. poor guy. I would." I said shaking my head a little bit.
I always quite liked Leo.. I mean, how can't you love a guy like that. He really amused me. Plus, what's better than a used book store? Not much.

[Arden Patricks]

"Well, they're thinking they should mainly just because he's a muggle and shouldn't know about magic... not really taking into account the fact that his wife and in-laws don't keep that a secret from him. And he thinks it's funny and... adventurous, naturally, so you can save your sympathy." I roll my eyes slightly, then manage another faint smile. Skittish as I was when I actually saw him, it's kind of nice to talk about.

[Riley Pearson]

I chuckled a little bit with a small smile. "I guess as long as he wasn't.. traumatized by it or something" I said after a moment with a small shrug, "I'm not sure I'd want to remember something like that."
I paused for a moment, "I can talk to his healer if you want."

[Arden Patricks]

"If you would," I nod, smiling gratefully because I think Lilith's getting pretty frustrated with the idiot. "And yeah, he's fine... but how about you? You mentioned being tired, but other than that? And you can sit down, you know," I add, nodding to the opposite chair.

[Riley Pearson]

I smiled and nodded, "No problem." I said before hearing the rest of what she said and chuckled a little bit, looking at the chair. "Right." I smiled before taking it and sitting down. "I knew that." I added, sharing my head faintly to myself.
"That's good though." I smiled, slightly tiredly. I shrugged a little bit. "I'm alright, getting annoyed with myself, but I'm okay." I nodded a little bit, letting out a small sigh. "How're you doing?"

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head, smiling very faintly now but still it's sort of there... until he asks the question.
"I'm... all right," I shrug, looking more at the tabletop than him. A terrible liar, but perfectly all right. "What's got you annoyed with yourself though?"

[Riley Pearson]

I frown slightly looking over to her at her answer. "Doesn't really sound like it.." I commented, looking over to her, taking note that she wasn't looking at me, which is all the more reason to not believe her she says she's okay.
I shook my head a little bit. "Just the whole.. Riyann, thing." I said sort of slowly, not really sure how else to describe it without talking a whole lot. "Can't make up my mind." I shrugged. It was sort of like when you're about to buy something that's really expensive. You want to get it, but then you really don't. And you stand infront of it in the store, staring at it for hours on end. That is, until you feel completely sick and you have to leave or just buy it. It was like that.

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug off his concern, shaking my head dismissively. I can't tell him why I'm not all right, not now. And I doubt that he could ever kill anyone, so I won't need to later when or if I need help with that. So he really just doesn't need to know, especially if - and here I feel awful - I follow through with the half-formed plan of not existing anymore.
"About how you feel, you mean?" I ask for clarification. "Whether you love her or not?"

[Riley Pearson]

I let her drop how she was feeling and shook my head a little bit, running a hand through my hair slightly. "Something like that.. I just.. feel horrible about everything and I can't decide if I should be feeling this way.. But yeah, I guess it is that. Maybe it would help if I could actually find her and talk to her though." I shrugged faintly with a small pause. She hadn't been around and well, I wasn't really surprised. "But even if I do love her, I'm pretty sure that I shouldn't.. do anything about it."

[Arden Patricks]

"Sometimes that is for the best," I nod, then laugh slightly at the ironic/hypocritical wisdom of that.
"Lillian did say that she was going to take off though...."

[Riley Pearson]

I looked up to her at her laugh and smiled a little bit shaking my head. "Wait, what's for the best?" I asked, just to make sure I knew what she was talking about.
"Ah.. right, I should've guessed." I said with a small nod. "Riyann was never really someone to confront her problems.."

[Arden Patricks]

"Mm...." I murmur noncommittally, shaking my head. Then I shrug, looking down at the table. "Sometimes it's best, even if you love someone, to not be with them anyway." I shrug again, looking away. "I wish I could take my own advice."

[Riley Pearson]

"Ah.." I said at first, looking down at the table for a moment too, staying quiet for a few moments. She was probably right.. It probably was for the best not to be with them. It's probably for the best that I am not with Riyann. Maybe I should just stop thinking and leave it with that. Too bad that didn't agree the part of me that hated being single.
I looked up at her at her comment and nodded. "Why don't you then?" I asked, placing my hand lightly on top of hers to see if she would maybe look up to me.

[Arden Patricks]

It's startling to have him touch me all of a sudden, and I almost pull my hand away but then just turn it to clasp his instead.
"Because... I'm an idiot." I smile faintly.... strangely. It feels strange on my face anyway, maybe slightly bitter. "A weak, pathetic idiot. Who once advised a friend not to put herself down so much and to have better self-esteem, before I realized I should be talking to a mirror."

[Riley Pearson]

I glanced down at our hands for a moment after I thought she was going to pull it away. But by the time I looked down she had already started to hold onto mine instead. Which I wasn't expecting, to say the least.
I shook my head a little bit. "You're not an idiot.." I said back to her with a very faint sort of half smile. "Maybe you should just try to follow your own advice then." I added, giving her hand a faint squeeze, before thinking that I probably shouldn't have.

[Arden Patricks]

"Maybe," I mutter, shaking my head. "So I just wish I knew then, what I'd advise someone to do in this case." I notice then, belatedly, that we're still holding hands, and draw mine away to fold on the tabletop.

[Riley Pearson]

She pulled her hand away, which I was expecting and I drew my hand back after that, pushing some hair from my face, mainly just because I didn't know what to do with it. I sighed slightly and shook my head. "I can't believe I'm saying this.. but you love him, right?" I asked a moment later. "If you love him, maybe you should stay with him.. I mean, he's been normal lately, hasn't he?"

[Arden Patricks]

Up until the other night.
But even if I could say that, even if it was all right to, I still couldn't because of the lump now in my throat, the pressure of the lie and reminder that no he really isn't. I'm really a terrible liar, as I hate it so much, and I have to close my eyes a minute.
"Redefine 'normal.'"

[Riley Pearson]

I have to admit I get a bit anxious at her reaction to what I've said, her reply not helping me at all really.
I shook my head for a moment. "Not.. hurting you.. or killing anyone.. things like that."

[Arden Patricks]

"Right...." I nod, closing my eyes again.
I do hate lying. I hate it with a passion.
If I do tell the truth... I'm protecting somebody who only half-exists, somebody I love who will disappear anyway at some point, and who I plan to stop protecting when the bloodshed gets too bad.
But then isn't any bloodshed bad?
I shake my head, unable to speak either way... though I guess it won't be that difficult to figure out.

[Riley Pearson]

I listened her reply and shook my head faintly toward her. I waited a little bit for her to say something else but she never did. So of course I was going to assume the worst. How could I not if she didn't tell me what was going on?
"Did he do something to you?" I asked a few moments later, not taking my eyes off of her.

[Arden Patricks]

"No, not to me," I say, shaking my head... and it helps to be truthful because now I can take a proper breath and think more clearly. "Do you know of any way to find a dementor outside of Azkaban?"

[Riley Pearson]

I feel slightly better to know that it wasn't her that he did something to, but now I'm also quite curious to what he did. But I doubt she'll tell me and well, I doubt that I actually want to know. Even if I am curious.
"A dementor?" I asked raising my eyebrows slightly, "Um.. no.. Can you use a boggart?"

[Arden Patricks]

"Would that honestly have the same effect?" I ask. "Assuming that's even what it turns into?"

[Riley Pearson]

"I have no idea.. but it might.." I said with a small shrug. "It's worth a shot." I added, finding it hard to believe I was suggesting that, when I should really be suggesting the fact that maybe it was time to Logan to go back to Azkaban, where he belonged.
"If he's thinking about it, then it should turn into it, right?" I asked, really not even being too positive about that myself.