mess

[Logan Andrews]

I wince because that's a question I'd really quite like not to answer.
"Ah...yes, but-..."
Hm. But, what? It's okay, she won't tell because I said I'd kill her children and then slit her throat if she did? It's okay, because I didn't really mean to torture someone I knew but I saw her and knew I couldn't hold off any longer?
Not really going to say that, I don't think, so I just stop there.

[Arden Patricks]

"But?" I repeat, raising my eyebrows. Please god don't say you lied when you said they were separate people you tortured and killed. ... Or, really, would that be preferable?

[Logan Andrews]

"But...she won't tell anyone," I finish vaguely after a moment, shrugging slightly.

[Arden Patricks]

"Because?" I press, dreading the answer but still trying to make it clear that I won't drop this 'til he gives a proper one.

[Logan Andrews]

"Because I said that-..." Uncomfortable pause while I search for the right expression and probably look quite pained while doing so. "Ah, I said I would kill her children if she did."
And she knows that I would, of course, but I don't see fit to add that. Because I don't think I would right now...not really. Hopefully.

[Arden Patricks]

Oh, christ. Figures. I nod, looking more at the floor than him, and turn around again.
"You're still covered in blood by the way," I murmur helpfully, staring unseeingly at the coffeepot again.

[Logan Andrews]

"Oh...yeah," I mutter as if I'm surprised by this, because I've only just remembered anyway, but I don't know what to do about it.
Clean myself up would possibly be the best solution, but I don't think I'm going to do that yet. It doesn't feel quite right to, yet.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod in acknowledgment that he's spoken, noting that he doesn't make a move to do anything about this, and proceed to pour myself a cup of coffee while studiously not looking at him.

[Logan Andrews]

I wonder if it's worth mentioning that I wouldn't actually kill her children...while I'm sane. And also whether it would be worth mentioning that when I regained my reasoning power and was threatened sufficiently...I actually helped her get up and go somewhere safe.
Doesn't really seem that necessary, actually, because I think I'm somewhat beyond redemption by this point.
So instead I just fold my arms loosely across my chest and study the floor instead.

[Arden Patricks]

I know, as before, that the Logan standing behind me is not the same Logan who threatened to kill someone's children, even if he did use the pronoun 'I.' That still doesn't make it any easier to hear, but at least I can force myself to look at him, briefly. How is this different, after all, from what it's always been? He does something awful and cruel and sickening, but then he's different and is granted... forgiveness, in a sense. Because I'm just that stupid like that.

[Logan Andrews]

"I'm sorry, for bringing you into this."
Roughly translated as 'I'm sorry that you caught me out'. It's hard to be sorry for actually doing the deed, because it's hard to regret something that made me feel so satisfied for however short a time, because what I did tonight gave me the most content, at home, in control feeling that I've had in a long time and as much as I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the means that I had to go to to get it...I enjoyed the buzz.
And I'm sorry she did catch me when she did, because I reckon it would have been better if I'd got away with it and she'd never have had to know because I wouldn't have told her.
So really...the apology is more that she was unfortunate enough to work it out when she caught me trying to wash off the blood, but she doesn't really need to know that either.

[Arden Patricks]

"I brought myself into this," I shrug, turning around to look at him again. "You didn't exactly hold a wand to my head and force me to trust you, force me not to turn you in, did you?"

[Logan Andrews]

"No," I concede, shrugging slightly, "Guess that was your own fault."

[Arden Patricks]

I nod again, sighing faintly, and look at the ground. Yeah, I guess it was, but I stand by it.

[Logan Andrews]

"Why-...?" I stop and shake my head because I'm not sure what the question would have been, so I just go with this one instead, "Why do you anyway? I don't understand."
And I very much hate not understanding.
I've never given her any reason to trust me, and I wouldn't think that she did at all, but she's the one who just admitted it.
I think I can understand that she can't turn me in, because she's always been stupid like that, but I would never have put trust into the equation. Of course, the whole equation itself changed when I turned up here anyway and things went...not plutonic anymore, so maybe that's why but I don't understand that either.
And it's something to talk about, I guess. I don't think I could actually stand more silence.

[Arden Patricks]

"What, trust you?" I ask, then shrug. "Because... you were different. I could tell. So I didn't have a reason not to trust you."

[Logan Andrews]

"Even if I was-...am different..." I trail off with a shrug.
Even then I don't think I was particularly reliable or even vaguely trustworthy. I never have been, sane or not.
But she is...a trusting idiot like that, I suppose, so I just shrug again to dismiss it.

[Arden Patricks]

"Then you get, or got, a clean slate." I shrug slightly again. "So... fine, maybe it was stupid to decide after a while that maybe you were right when you kept saying you wouldn't do anything. Maybe I shouldn't've believed it. But it was the right thing to do at the time."

[Logan Andrews]

I shrug again, because I've already decided I don't care enough about the topic to press it. Or more like don't want to talk about it anymore.
Don't really want to be reminded of exactly how badly I fucked up.
To think, I was actually starting to believe that I really could do it and that I really wouldn't do anything wrong this time.
As if.

[Arden Patricks]

And I guess there's nothing to say, and nothing to do except look at the floor, when he doesn't respond. Or nothing to say about that anyway, not directly.
"Did you have any clue that you were going to... snap?" I ask then, not entirely succeeding at keeping hints of betrayal out of my voice. "Or did it just happen?" In which case, why the hell were tyou wandering around at three in the morning?

[Logan Andrews]

"No," I mutter, because I don't like the way she said that as if I intended this to happen when I didn't, I really didn't.
"It just...I..." I pause and sigh briefly, "I knew there was something wrong when I woke up and-..." I shrug helplessly because I've lost coherency again.
It's somehow quite important that she knows there wasn't anything wrong, until...until the early hours of this morning, really. I suppose it's been slipping a little bit every now and again since I got out of Azkaban in the first place, but I didn't think I'd really...I don't know.

[Arden Patricks]

"Right." I nod, because I guess I believe him nd really, I didn't have any clue... and I would kind of think I would, somehow. He seemed perfectly... normal, for lack of better word, up until I caught him scrubbing the blood off.

[Logan Andrews]

I shrug again, looking back at the floor again.

[Arden Patricks]

I look down at my coffee in the silence, deciding I don't want the last bit of it and setting it down on the counter behind me.
So... just to review.... Logan's gone and murdered someone, no idea who, but it was just a temporary lapse and now he's back to being sane so I won't turn him in because I love him, but we're both pretty sure it will get worse and he'll have more lapses until eventually I get too sickened with the amount of blood on my conscience and have to either kill him or send him back to Azkaban... the first being harder but also more humane.
I think I've got it all, there. And I think I want to cry but not in front of him because I've noticed it seems to annoy him.

[Logan Andrews]

I'm not sure that I can actually take waiting around like this.
We've already established that I'm most likely just going to get steadily worse...is it even worth waiting around for that to happen?
Wouldn't it be...nobler or something if I just went and antagonised an auror now or something so then no one else would have to get hurt?
But no...I won't. Because I'm a coward, actually...and because I'm selfish and for the time being I want to live.
Stupid as that is.

[Arden Patricks]

"I should probably just kill you or something," I murmur after a moment, looking at the ground. "This isn't right, just waiting to see how much it takes before I come to my senses."

[Logan Andrews]

I frown slightly, although I'm not sure why. Probably because I was just thinking about it.
I don't think I want her to do it either, I'd rather someone else did. And she's right that this isn't right...this whole waiting thing.
But I'm not ready yet.
I'm not completely apathetic...anymore. I'm not subhuman...anymore. And I'm not quite ready yet, but I'm not going to say that out loud.

[Arden Patricks]

"Well, it's that or e find a way, any way, to... try and keep you sane," I continue when he doesn't say anything. "Please."

[Logan Andrews]

"Well, what?" I mutter, probably a little too sharply, "What is going to keep me sane? Give me an option and I'll take it, but there-...there's nothing."

[Arden Patricks]

"How about what made you that way in the first place?" I shoot back. "I mean... I know that it's nuts, but it seems like it did. It seems like it worked and I'm sorry, maybe it's selfish, but I'd rather put you through hell than lose you entirely while random people die."