mess

[Logan Andrews]

And why did she have to say that?
Why?
I wish that maybe she just wouldn't...wouldn't say it, wouldn't feel it...I don't know.
I'm not even going to tell her that she shouldn't...she clearly already knows. I'm not going to tell her she's an idiot either, because that's apparently clear too.
"Great," I mutter after a moment, "I love you too. Brilliant."
I don't know how adding sarcastic remarks on either side of the sincere one helped...but apparently it did, because I managed to get it out, didn't I?
And this is really, grossly inappropriate and I should just carry on with leaving.

[Arden Patricks]

"Yeah, really brilliant," I mutter, biting my lip. It is so insanely fucked up that I actually find that good to hear, given the circumstances, that it's hardly worth mention just how fucked up it is.

[Logan Andrews]

"Sorry," I choke out further, because that last remark took the last shreds of my coherency.
I'm not sure what I'm apologising for, dragging her into all this or loving her in the first place. Both, probably.

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head at that, because... I don't know. He's nothing to apologize to me for? Not sure if that's true or not. I'm not going to accept the apology on the grounds I don't know if it's sincere or not? Maybe that's it.

[Logan Andrews]

I shake my head faintly in response, because I thought I couldn't feel any worse than I did earlier but now I do.
It's a good mix of shame and guilt and remorse and even a bit of fear, but it's all more confused with whatever's going on now and that tiny slither of something like elation...because ha, she loves me.
But also, I am leaving. Even though I haven't yet made another move to do so.

[Arden Patricks]

I think I should be mad that he's still here, when I told him to get the hell out. Naturally I'm not though... but I also do not want to see him or speak to him right now. Really, I don't care if he leaves or not. There's something very wrong with me, as there always has been... but I think I'd prefer if he doesn't.
And just to make that nice and clear, I get up and go back into my room, shutting the door without looking at or speaking to him again. There... that'll make it all nice and clear, in more way than one because maybe if he isn't there where I can see him I'll develop a small bit of sense.

[Logan Andrews]

That was really helpful.
I dither for a moment in the hallway between the idea of getting together the small amount of things I actually have here and leaving and then sort of going after her.
You can't tell someone to get out and then mention that you love them. That's conflicting messages.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've had enough of a fucked up night already with my insanity deciding to clutter everything up for me.
So after a moment of indecision, I sigh under my breath and head towards her room, knocking lightly on the door without answering it, and calling in a low voice as if I half-don't want to be heard, "Arden?"

[Arden Patricks]

Well... that's unexpected.
I guess I assumed he'd either clear off anyway or just... stay here, but away from me. I've only made it as far as lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling, no clarity yet, no thought, and so I don't know how to respond. My first thought is to tell him to just go away, but I think I might be afraid he will if he's been told twice.
My second thought is to just not saying anything, but then... I don't know. I can't seem to finish that thought so instead I just stop thinking.
"Yes?"

[Logan Andrews]

Ah...I don't know actually.
I sort of assumed she'd ignore me so I hadn't quite gotten past what I would do if she did answer.
"Ah...can I come in?"

[Arden Patricks]

There's a good question. But I've up thinking, i recall, so....
"Sure," I shrug, continuing to look at the ceiling.

[Logan Andrews]

Shit.
Still sort of at loss, but alright.
I let myself in, stopping in the doorway and pausing a moment before shrugging, "Do you want me to leave or not?"
Just get straight to the point then...

[Arden Patricks]

Pause. Bite lip. Look away.
"I don't know...." Pause. "No."

[Logan Andrews]

I nod slightly, watching her carefully as if I'm suddenly going to understand her better even though that's never really worked before.
I don't want to leave either, particularly, although it would probably be best if I did...but when have I ever been selfless enough to do what's best anyway?

[Arden Patricks]

I nod when he does as if that will somehow make this make sense. Like, 'look, we're in agreement, so clearly it makes sense.'
I wonder if there's any way to expose him to a dementor without the dementor realizing. Like... radiation treatments for shrinking cancer or something.

[Logan Andrews]

This is ten times worse than the average silence, because I'm sort of stuck here, standing in the doorway with nothing to say.
Brilliant as usual.

[Arden Patricks]

I feel like maybe I should say something now, but I don't know what.
"So, did you ever even think that I would really turn you in, or did I make it so obvious i wouldn't that you didn't feel threatened?" I ask, not really looking at him.

[Logan Andrews]

"I thought...for a minute...that you would." I shrug, glancing at the floor briefly before forcing myself to look back up at her, although she's not looking at me anyway.

[Arden Patricks]

"Well, that's something." I sigh faintly. And to be fair, I think I really would've if he'd seemed like his old self, and not this strange, almost remorseful person who's so much more like Ian or Travis or something.

[Logan Andrews]

I raise an eyebrow at that, because I don't see how it is something at all.

[Arden Patricks]

"Never mind." I shake my head again, then pause and finally sit up to look at him properly. "I think you need to be around dementors again."

[Logan Andrews]

"No," I say sharply.
That's probably exactly what I need, but I don't know how I'm supposed to be around dementors without being in Azkaban itself.
And the dementors are a very large part of the reason why Azkaban is so unbearable, besides the isolation. I'm not going through feeling that way, just for a brief few weeks of sanity.

[Arden Patricks]

"Just a theory," I shrug. "But would you rather lose your mind completely and permanently so that I don't mind sending you back there?"

[Logan Andrews]

"No..." I say again, less certainly.
I'm really not sure whether or not I'd rather being insane again. If I was insane right now...well, that'd be lovely and easy.
I think sanity is way too hard work to maintain anyway.

[Arden Patricks]

"That sounded a little more doubtful than it ought to," I point out, raising my eyebrows.

[Logan Andrews]

"Sorry," I shake my head, although I don't think I am genuinely sorry this time because it was doubtful.

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head, looking away again. So... how exactly do you find a dementor without it finding you?

[Logan Andrews]

I'm starting to consider going out again...because I'm not sure how much longer I can bare hovering around here.
I don't think that would be the best idea in my current frame of mind though...just in case I do it again. It's probably best to be supervised.

[Arden Patricks]

"So what now?" I ask after a moment, though I doubt he should really be the one to answer that.

[Logan Andrews]

Your call.
"I don't know," I answer, "What now?"

[Arden Patricks]

"Good question," I sigh, then shake my head. "I don't know." Except that we need to find a way to make you not crazy.