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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 28, 2008 0:02:57 GMT
"Because you may not believe it.. and I may have some kind of... brain tumor, or something, but I still think I love you.."
Despite my saying that I'd pretend to never have heard him say that, despite the fact that I desperetly wanted to forget those words they just kept going through my head, over and over again, not seeming to stop, and it was getting to me. Even after all I had done, what all he thought I had done he still might love me.
"Why?" I asked softly looking down at my feet as I drug them through the powdery snow, the snow that was still falling down from the darkened sky. My fingers were numb from the chilling wind but I couldn't care. My body continued to shiver, a reminder that I had forgotten to grab a jacket on my way out, a reminder that it was bloody winter and I was a bloody idiot to be outside right now, a reminder that I was needed in reality, not my stupid head. The past day I'd been making sure I didn't just randomly go back and tell him that I still loved him, that I hadn't killed Lilian, but why would he believe me? Why would anyone believe me? Especially without proof? That and why would I give that little secret away? I'd only done all of this to keep Lil safe. So why throw it all away from myself? Just so that I could tell everyone that they were idiots to think I could do that. To laugh at Riley's mum because she had, just because. But I wouldn't do that.
Nope, instead I'm going to keep up this facade, let everyone think I'm a heartless killer.
Aren't you?
I felt myself shiver again and shook the thought from my head, looking up now as I shoved my numb fingers deep into the pockets of my jeans, barely noticing how the thin sweatshirt didn't do anything against the wind.
Go inside you bloody idiot.
[[Tis crappy]]
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 28, 2008 0:37:20 GMT
[ twas not crappy :] ]
I was sick of this. I was sick of everything. I had no one to talk to. I couldn't leave the house. And lately I'd been feeling more and more claustrophobic and I needed out. Today. I was tired of just sitting around with nothing to do but think, and just having to hear about everything that was going on. What was happening with my family, all because of my own safety, which probably wasn't that much in peril in the first place.
I never should have let Riyann convince me to go into hiding. I didn't want to go, but I did and now this is what it caused. I even had a little nephew now. That I have never seen. And I just really missed my mum and my dad and really really missed Riley and his kids. I really just wanted to see them all. But no, I was dead. And I really don't know how they would take it when they sound out that I, in fact, was very much alive.
But as I was walking down the street of the small muggle town I saw Riyann and stopped in my tracks. She couldn't know I was out of the house, out of hiding. Which is why, I looked around, and walked into the nearest store, just hoping that she didn't see me, but with my luck she probably did.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 28, 2008 1:22:32 GMT
I couldn't feel the fabric of my jeans scrapping against my frozen fingers as I pushed them into my pocket, and frankly I couldn't care right now. I didn't care that I wasn't hiding under a hood like usual, I didn't care that I was walking outside in the open with barely anything covering me from the winter's wind. I couldn't care. It just wasn't me right now.
Looking up I looked around the muggle town, and then from paranoia I looked at the faces of the people in the streets, just to make sure I wasn't about to run into someone who'd either kill me or put me back in my cell in Azkaban, because really that would just be my luck.
My eyes stopped on a certain girl and then they narrowed slightly as the figure hurried into a muggle store and I started after her, running part of the way there and grasping at the door handle and pulling it open starting in after Lil.
She was in hiding and I was letting my family fall apart for her, she shouldn't be out and about.
"Lilian." I called softly at the doorway.
Wouldn't that be funny if there was a deatheater in here?
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 28, 2008 1:28:58 GMT
I jumped slightly as Riyann came in the store and called my name and bit my lip. I hadn't gotten in far enough to find a proper place to put myself and now that she's seen me, I couldn't really go find one now. The jig was up and I was going to have to go back.
I sighed, biting my lip a bit and turning around toward her, looking at the floor of the store.
"Look, I'm sorry Riyann, but you can't keep in there anymore. I'm going stir crazy." I said eventually, frowning a bit more, wanting to say that louder than I did, but not wanting to cause of where I was.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 28, 2008 1:38:30 GMT
I watched Lilian's back before she turned 'round towards me and raised an eyebrow towards her as she looked at the floor. Jeeze I missed this girl, really I was sooo glad she hadn't died, and that my killing her had only been a cover up.
She spoke up after a moment and I frowned slightly before moving towards her and pulling her into a hug, tucking my head against hers. I didn't want to keep her in hiding, or for everyone to think she was dead, I didn't want to drive her insane from being locked up for so long. "I'm sorry hun." I whispered softly.
Maybe it was time that people found out she wasn't dead, just when that happened I wouldn't be around. I'll be halfway across the world. That's the only catch now, because I wasn't going back, I didn't want people to say sorry for blaming me, if they did that even, or anything of the sort. I didn't want to be the screw up again. A screw up for not telling anyone.
No. I'd be far gone.
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 28, 2008 1:48:14 GMT
I looked up to her after a moment and was slightly surprised when she hugged me. I paused for a moment and hugged her back, taking in a deep breath before letting it out. "Can we please just stop this?" I asked her after a moment.
It's been so long and I really wanted to know if everyone was okay. "Or at least let me see Jon.. I mean, does he even love me anymore? What about the girls a-and Justin? Are they okay?" I asked feeling a small tear fall down my cheek. "I'm sick of being secluded like this."
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 28, 2008 1:53:07 GMT
"Y-yeah." I whispered, shaking my head faintly, hugging her back slightly tighter. Ruin it all, Let's go back to the begining.
"I d-dunno. I haven't exactly seen him, I wouldn't doubt that me seeing Jon would be worse than when I had that run in with your mum." I said, shaking my head slightly, letting a small breath pass my lips. "I'm sure he loves you though." I add with a faint smile, pulling away slightly and brushing away the tear that fell down her cheek. "It'll be alright. Everyone's going to be glad you're okay, they all love you hun. S'alright." I murmured as I brought her back into a tight hug again.
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 28, 2008 2:01:31 GMT
"Oh.. yeah.. he might." I said with a small sigh. "But I mean.. I'm dead, he's probably already moved on." I said frowning a bit more, shrugging faintly when she said that she was sure that he did. How did she know? For all either of us know, he already had a girlfriend.
I nodded faintly and hugged her back again, believing that part.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 28, 2008 2:05:26 GMT
"Dead or not, how could anyone move on from you Lil babe?" I asked softly, smiling faintly. She was still more than a sister to me, even if Riley and I had gotten a divorce, I'd never think she was any different. "Besides s'not like you've been gone all that long? And he'd probably never be able to move on until I was killed, since you know, hard feelings and all." I add the last part quietly, sure I shouldn't have said that.
"I missed you Lil." I murmured softly, smiling weakly towards her.
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 28, 2008 2:12:44 GMT
I smiled faintly back to her and nodded a bit after a moment. There was no reasoning with her so I wasn't going to try. "Riyann it's been months.." I said with a small frown and then shrugging a bit at the second thing that she said.
"I missed you too." I said back with a small smile to her. "How's Riley and everyone then?"
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 28, 2008 2:16:20 GMT
"That's not that long." I said, shrugging faintly. And you could bring up the fact of when you were dead for three months Riley 'bout moved on from you to Arden. Yeah, that'd be smart. "Believe me, he hasn't moved on." I smiled softly towards her.
"I'd like to you think you'd miss anything right now. Sorry for keeping you locked up." I said softly.
Seems like I'd been in the same predicament not that long ago as well.
"Uhm, they're all... I honestly dunno." I add, pulling away from her slightly and looking away and around the shop.
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 28, 2008 2:22:17 GMT
I shrugged a little bit. ".. If you say so.." I said with a small smile, glancing down at my ring for a moment.
I shrugged a little bit. "You did it for my own good.. I just don't like that everyone thinks I'm dead." I frowned some with another shrug.
I looked back up to her though when I heard what she said. "What do you mean, you don't know?" I asked, slghtly confused now. "You were with them, weren't you?"
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 28, 2008 2:26:55 GMT
"I do." I said softly, watching as she glanced down at the ring and I pushed my hands back into my pockets. "I know he still loves you. I know he's still waiting."
Nodding a little at what she said I bit my lip softly before thinking of what to say next. "They won't be thinking that for long, right?" I asked softly as I pulled my right hand up from my pocket and scratched the back of my head, messing my hair up a bit.
"Not exactly?" I asked, looking back at her now, biting my lip faintly.
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 28, 2008 2:37:39 GMT
I smiled and nodded a little bit. "You better be right Riy.." I said with a soft chuckle, pushing a piece of my own hair behind my ear.
I smiled and nodded a bit. "So I really get to see everyone again then?" I asked with a smile.
"What do you mean?" I asked frowning a bit more. "Where've you been then?"
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 29, 2008 18:23:07 GMT
"Aren't I always Lil?" I asked with a small grin, watching as she pushed some of her hair back behind her ear. "Yeah, you do." I said softly, biting my lip faintly against a ghost of a smile, pushing my hands slightly deeper into my pockets, there wasn't a ring on my finger, but wouldn't that be better for explaining everything?
"Riley and I aren't together anymore." I said softly, not going into the fact that I had been in Azkaban. She didn't need to know about that. "Haven't been for a few months actually."
And your family hates you, and you're still going to go back to Azkaban, well until everyone finds out Lil's alive.
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 29, 2008 21:14:30 GMT
I smiled and laughed a bit at the first thing that she said. "Of course you are." I said back to her with another small laugh.
I smiled brightly at the second thing that she said and practically jumped on her, giving her a huge hug. "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!" I said grinning widely, completely happy that I finally got to go home. It's really all that I wanted.
I heard the last thing she said and my grin quickly turned into a frown as I pulled away from the hug. "You aren't together?" I asked softly, still frowning a bit and looking over to her. "What happpend?"
I was also surprised when she said a few months because that means that she hasn't seen the kids in a few months either. Which was just hard to believe to me.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 29, 2008 21:22:22 GMT
"Ah, I knew it." I said with a small grin, really I had missed Lilian more than anything and it was good to have her back, to see her again.
Laughing as she gave me a large hug I hugged her back and shook my head faintly. "Anything to keep you happy Lil." I teased with a small chuckle, hugging her a little tighter now before pulling away faintly.
Frowning slightly when she asked what happened I bit my lip softly. "I killed you Lil, and things kind of went down from there." Least for me, everything's gone really. "Went to Azkaban for it too." I added under my breath. "Broke out, went to see the kids and they found out and that was that really."
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 29, 2008 21:40:58 GMT
I frowned a bit more. Wasn't there some kind of other lie that she could've told them? I mean, really? Then again... Why haven't I expected that? I should have known that was what was going to happen. If that was the case I never would have let her put me into hiding.
"Riyann, why did you do that?" I asked shaking my head over to her. "I never would have let you do that!"
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 29, 2008 21:45:38 GMT
"Someone had to have 'killed' or done something with you Lil, and really I can't quite trust that many people, especially when I personally talked with a few deatheaters that had been planning on killing you." I said, shaking my head slightly.
Really, why wouldn't I take the blame? "I know you wouldn't have, that's why I didn't tell you." I said and shrugged faintly.
I only lost my family over keeping you alive.
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 29, 2008 21:59:31 GMT
I didn't say anything for a moment or two and I kept the small frown on my face. "And that's why you should've told me. I would have risked it." I said shaking my head a little bit. "We could have thought of something else... Or something." I addded, now feeling extremely guilty for all of this, she went to Azkaban, she pretty much split up her family. Everything was messed up. Becuase of me.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 29, 2008 22:16:08 GMT
"That's why I didn't tell you." I said, shaking my head at her. "I wasn't going to let you risk it Lil." I add. "You're lucky that I'm letting you now." And I only was because I didn't want to hurt her or Riley or anyone else anymore. "It's all going to be fine Lil, it worked out just fine." Which was a complete lie, but I wasn't going to say anything more.
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 29, 2008 22:30:46 GMT
I crossed my arms in front of me and sighed a little bit. "I know that I am.." I said quietly, still wishing that one of this happened. "No it didn't, you and my brother broke up, that's not just fine. It's all my fault."
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 29, 2008 22:37:01 GMT
"Well at least you know then." I said, shrugging faintly. She didn't have to be so sour about this. It's not like she would've ever been able to talk me out of doing this, even if she would've known what would happen. "That..." I started, shaking my head lightly. "Was my fault and it had been going towards this for a long time now." I muttered, shutting my eyes bitterly. "It's nowhere near your fault Lil."
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 29, 2008 22:54:01 GMT
"How do you know though?" I asked frowning a bit. "Maybe you would have been fine." I said shaking my head a bit. "And it was mine, if you didn't do this, then everything would have been fine."
I couldn't help but be upset about this.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 29, 2008 23:00:48 GMT
"Don't be so niave Lil." I said, rolling my eyes faintly. Sure I'd like to think that everything would've been fine, but it wouldn't have been. We were falling apart since I died for being a spy. From there nothing was ever the same again. Too much happened and there was no we would have been fine, and really, that truth hurts. "W-we weren't working out. I think this needed to happen so we'd realize that." I murmured softly, shaking my head faintly. "It wasn't your fault." I add as an after thought. It was mine, every little bit of it. Sure Riley had done a few things, but it wasn't anything but saying we really didn't belong together.
Yet I still wanted to be with him so badly.
Maybe after all of this is over, after a few years, then maybe it'd be alright.
Not likely because I'm just not right in the head or anything, and I tend to mess things up. So me leaving before everyone finds out Lil's alive will do good. I'd hopefully be able to sort things out and once that happens I can come back and it'll maybe be alright.
"Not your fault Lil." I say softly, smiling weakly towards her.
First step to working things out, admitting defeat.
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 29, 2008 23:12:25 GMT
"How do you know though, Riyann?" I asked, shaking my head again. "Of course he's gonna break it off if he thinks you killed me!" I said, moving some hair out of my face again. "Maybe you could have worked out whatever was wrong.."
She said it wasn't my fault again and I sighed, nodding my head faintly. "Fine.. but you're coming with me when I go to see Riley." I added, looking up to her again. At least this way they wuld have to talk.. or something. I think that could realy change your opinion over someone. Fnding out that, no, they didn't kill your sister and they were, in fact, pretending that they did and risked everything just so nothing would happen. "And if not with me, you have to promise you'll go see him."
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 29, 2008 23:22:45 GMT
"Because I do." I said, smiling as I started speaking and then it just slowly fell from my face afterwards. "Actually there was more than just that he's had to deal with Lil." I shrugged faintly. "It wasn't just that." I sighed softly. "This way he can sort through things and so can I."
"I-I am not coming with you Lil." I said, shaking my head a little. I didn't want to go see him, well I did but not right now, not after all of this that's happened for the past few months, I mean I lied to his face. I didn't tell him that I didn't kill Lil. I didn't say anything, just let him think what he wanted. Granted I told him I didn't do it and he didn't know what I was talking about, but still.
"Yeah, I promise." I said, and if she made me promise that'd be soon I'd just leave now. Because I plan on taking my time. I'm the witch I can just apparate out of here, she can't make me do anything.
That was slightly reassuring, but what if Riley...
No, no what if's, nothing. It'd be fine. Go away, sort things out and then come back, if they even want me back, which I'm starting to think they probably won't.
Justin won't know who I am. The twins'll hate me for disappearing on them again. Riley, who knows. The rest of them, well I really don't think it matters what they'll think of me.
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 29, 2008 23:31:11 GMT
"But I'm sure that was a big factor, Riyann.." I told her quietly. "I mean, you supposedly killed me.. He doesn't have that many people." I sighed a bit, but nevertheless, still nodded at what she said. He probably would need some time to sort through things.. In fact, I'm sure that he would need it.
"Just as long as you go see him at some point.." I said, folding my arms infront of me tightly for a few moments, before hugging Riyann again.
"Thanks Riyann.." I said quietly again, resting my head on her shoulder. She really deserved more than just a thank you, but I didn't really know what else I could do.
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Post by Riyann Servansikk on Dec 29, 2008 23:38:54 GMT
"And if this hadn't of happened something else would've." I said and shrugged faintly like it hadn't been much. Really, it.. couldn't have been that much. Not really at least. "I know he doesn't." And because of me the people keep getting less and less. First he hates Shell, then Lil 'dies', and now he's losing Arden. The twins hated him at some point. His mum probably isn't too thrilled because he defended me. Who else have I basically messed up him being with? More importantly, Who next?
"I will, don't worry." I murmured softly, watching as she crossed her arms and then uncrossed them to hug me again and I hugged her back softly. Give me at least a year and I promise I'll come back. Maybe longer, but I will.
"Don't dwell on it Lil." I whispered softly in her ear, smiling faintly when she rested her head on my shoulder. "Had to think about everyone before doing this. Now promise you'll go see Jon tonight." I said with a faint laugh.
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Post by Lilian Parker on Dec 29, 2008 23:54:07 GMT
"But probably something not as unpleasant." I said with a faint sigh. I shrugged a little bit, playing with my hands slightly as I started to get fidgety.
I nodded slightly at what she whispered in my ear and et out another small sigh. She mentioned Jon and I laughed a little bit with her. "I promise.." I chuckled softly. "I want to see him so much... unless he has some whore at his apartment.. then I don't."
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