Snowflakes

[Madeline Speare]

There's something about winter that has always made me smile.
Ever since I was little I've always loved the snow, there was something just so...-magical about it.
Corny? I think so.
I thnk the main cause of my giddyness is because it's just so close to the hoildays.
Hoisting Abby up higher in my arms, I grin, pushing her hair back off her forehead. She looked more like me everyday, that's what Ian kept telling me at list.
It made me sad that he decided to stay home, I loved our new home. It was...-different.
Different meant better, didn't it?
Things were changing, Alex and Ian didn't send each other so many dirty looks anymore, even Poppy was begining to turn a bit..-well normal.
Five months away from London was a long time for me, I just wanted to come back and visit for a while.
"Look babygirl," I murmur, brushing my lips lightly against Abby's cheek,"It's snow, isn't it pretty?"
She laughs softly, reaching a gloved hand out, catching a snowflake in her little hand.
"Pretty," She murmurs, showing me her hand.
"Just like you baby," I grin.

[Logan Andrews]

I, apparently, have a death wish.
There is definitely something wrong with me. Something very, deeply wrong with me.
I decided about two or three days ago that I wouldn't do this anymore and I would stick to hanging around in frigid little alley ways in muggle streets rather than playing with fire by coming out in the open in wizarding streets like this. I don't know, I feel sort of...strange today.

I feel sort of like taking on the risk today. Sort of a 'fuck you all I'm going to do whatever the hell I want and you can't intimidate me into being cautious' mood.
Although I should be cautious, unless I want to end up back in Azkaban.
I guess I feel sort of depressed today as well. I'm not used to feelings like that either, so they feel all the more intense because of it, like I'm experiencing it all for the first time.
I'm quite immature, emotionally and such, and I suppose I need to grow up and not do things like this just because I'm a little on the sad side and don't particularly care what happens to me right now.

It's not just my own safety that I've got to take into account though. If I get caught and thrown back into a cell, then I'm a little worried about what might happen to Arden if they find out she's been harbouring a fugitive.
Well, maybe I don't care about that either. I really shouldn't, that's for sure.
I should be practising not caring...which I think is what I might do, even though it doesn't really make one iota of outward difference.

As well as risking my freedom by being out here, I'm also putting myself through a very unpleasant experience. The street is quite busy, Christmas shoppers, I suppose, and they're all here and jostling and I just want to snap and shove everyone away and possibly curse as many people as I can before someone stops me. That would be rewarding.
Well, not rewarding, but damn satisfying.
I think I was wrong about the bloodlust leaving me alone. It's still there. It's just not as all-consuming as it used to be. I think I can control it, but I also really want to give into it and just...kill someone, or at least hurt someone...make someone bleed at the very least.
I entertain myself with this idly for a few seconds, shoving my way through a particularly thick patch of people and then emerging on the other side.

It's relatively clearer here, which is nice. A small patch of space, or something and I stop and just breathe that in while trying to clear my head of the variety of disturbing violent images that have sprung up there.
And it's while I'm doing this that I catch sight of Madeline. Which is curious.
I did ask about Finley, but all I've managed to deduce that he's either with my sister who I've yet to bother coming into contact with, or Madeline whom I was told cleared off. So why she is standing there?
And I really don't care enough to find out, so I just frown over in her vague direction for a few moments, before half-turning away again while I try and work out whether I should head back into the throng of people or risk walking past her.

[Madeline Speare]

Mindless wandering is really what I'm doing. There's no real point of being here, here being Diagon Alley.
Alex begged me not to leave, or to at least take him with me. I should have, now that I really think of it, but I couldn't.
Reason one is because if I had brought him, I wouldn't be able to shop for his Christmas gift, and reason two, the very important reason, he has the flu.
That's the main reason I have Abby, wouldn't want her to catch it.

Speaking of Abby, she's squirming in my arms, throwing her arms over my shoulder pointing at something. I'm not quite sure what it is she's pointing at, so I put her down, not wanting to risk dropping her. An excitable three year. Wonderful, I'm pretty sure I won't get any shopping done now.
"What babygirl?" I murmur, taking hold of her hand, keeping her close to me.
The streets are full of people, probably Christmas shopping as well.
I brush my hair out of my face with my free hand, glancing around. I'm not sure what everyone wants, no wait, that's a lie.
Reaching into my pocket, I pull out the lists Poppy and Alex shoved at me this morning.
Big surprise, the bottom of Alex's is covered in pumpkin juice.
At least i hope it's pumpkin juice.

"What do you want to get Da babygirl?" I ask Abby, who's paying me no mind what so ever.
Her blue eyes are focused straight ahead, and as I turn my head to look in her general direction, I stop abruptly.
"Logan," I murmur softly. I'm pretty sure he's seen me as well.

[Logan Andrews]

Oh dear.
I should have moved faster than that really, or maybe I paused on some subconscious desire to get caught...or at least elevate the risk.
But I'm pretty sure she's seen me, even before she actually says my name. She's close enough for me to be able to hear it at the very least.

Now I'm not sure what to do either.
I could turn and walk away and hope that she forgets she saw me or conveniently just decides that she must have been mistaken, instead of doing the sensible thing and turning me in.
Or I could...stay here and make sure she doesn't turn me in.
The last time we saw each other I was watching them take her out of her cell, and then she didn't come back and then I can't really say I spared her much thought after that.

"Hey Madeline," I say eventually, with a vague sort of shrug as if this is completely normal and she doesn't despise me and I don't despise her.
And I don't know what the child's name is, so I'm just going to pretend that it's not there.

[Madeline Speare]

My hand moves to Abby's shoulder as I gently push her behind me. It's just a natural instinct, that and the very fact that it's Logan. Abby says nothing as usual, just keeps a tight hold on my leg.
"What are you doing here?" I murmur softly, regretting instantly that I don't have my wand, and that I maybe should have thought to bring Ian with me.
Too late for that now.
To my uttermost knowledge, Logan should be locked away in Azkaban for life. There's no possible way they let him, out of all people, out for good behavior.

Even if they did let him out, which I highly doubt, there's no way he would just be wandering the streets. I had never thought of Logan to be so...-sudical.
"Your looking good Logan," I murmur softly. He had looked...-better to say the least, but then again I wasn't absolutely gorgeous after coming out of Azkaban.
I'd play nice for now.

[Logan Andrews]

"Oh well thank you," I reply, rolling my eyes slightly.
If she's going to play along that this is normal, then I will too, but responding to a comment like that does indeed require some degree of scorn.
"You're looking...healthier," I respond with a shrug. But the last time I saw her was in Azkaban, and no one looks their best in there. I guess she just looks normal, which is something.

"I'm just...wandering," I shrug, deciding that I probably shouldn't find it vaguely amusing how she pushes the girl behind her.
I take my hands out of my pockets, holding my palms up towards her to show her that my hands are empty and I don't have my wand. I'm also pretty harmless these days anyway, but I don't suppose she knows that.
"What about you? I heard you'd cleared off."

[Madeline Speare]

"Been better since getting let out," I mumble softly, brushing my hair out of my face. I really rather not talk about my time spent locked away, and I'd really rather not have to talk about it with Logan of all people. Wasn't it bad enough that I had to endure having him next to my cell?

It's starting to mess with my head a bit, being on friendly terms with Logan, of all people. Ten years ago if you asked if I would ever act civilly with Logan Andrews, I'd laugh in your face.
Seeing that his hands are empty, I relax a bit, but still keep Abby behind me.
There's no way I'm risking my daughter.

I wince slightly at his last comment. I hate the way he put it, 'cleared off' it made us sound like such cowards.
I nod feebly,"We moved on is all,"

[Logan Andrews]

"Obviously," I answer, rolling my eyes again.
Of course she's been better since getting out. Even I have been better since getting let out...or, well, I suppose I have.
And this is strange. I sort of assumed that maybe this one thing would be normal...that maybe there would still be hate here, but I guess everything really is different now if we can at least pretend to be civil.

"Moved on, cleared off," I shrug, "Whichever."
I don't honestly care why they left, where they've gone, what's happened. I don't care because I don't really want to fuck around with them anymore...it's definitely lost it's appeal. It lost it's appeal quite a while ago, and I kept going with it out of habit before deciding to pursue other interests entirely. It has been several years since I deliberately tried to play with the fragile balance of their family.

[Madeline Speare]

It's unsettling really. Now that I really think about it, how much Logan and I have in common. The pure-blood family, the dark mark, the Azkaban thing and of course there's the whole other issue...-our son.
I nearly wince thinking about it. Lord knows how fucked up that really is, having a child with Logan.
Speaking of...-
"How's Fin?" I ask softly, ingoring the rest of our 'conversation', I'd really rather not talk about my family status with him.
Lord knows how many times he's tried to kill us.

[Logan Andrews]

"Huh?" I reply.
Fin...Finley...son...
I think I just forgot about Finley's existence. I haven't spared him much thought since the last time I saw him, which was when he was glaring at me from the otherside of a set of bars.
I did ask about him when I got out...but Arden didn't seem to know. I sort of assumed that he'd be with Madeline or with Adalia, and then promptly forgot he existed.
"He's...uh...he's not with you then?"

[Madeline Speare]

I think my heart just skipped a beat or two. I falter slightly, letting my grip on Abby loosen slightly.
"No," I say, my voice barely above a whisper. I tried to persaude Fin to come with us, Ian and Alex both protested, but I pulled the 'He's still my son and I'm all he has' card.
I wrote him a letter telling him when we were leaving and that if he wanted he was more then welcome to come with us. A big white lie, but still I couldn't just leave him.
"I thought he was with you."
Probably not, if there was anyone in the world Fin hated more then me, it was his father. Not that I can really blame him.

[Logan Andrews]

What?
I spend a few seconds trying to pick out any logic at all in that sentiment...but there's none. Why would Finley be with me?
If the fact that he despises me and is obviously and understandably scared of me wasn't enough to indicate there is no way in hell that he would be anywhere near me voluntarily...theres also the fact that I was in Azkaban when she left so therefore in no position to pass as a guardian to a child.
"What the fuck were you thinking? Why would he be with me? How would he be with me?"
And I'm overreacting. I don't like Finley...I've never liked Finley, there is no reason at all to be frustrated with her. If anything, it's a good thing he's...away.
"He's probably with Adalia," I amend after a moment, forcing my tone back to calm and uninterested.
But I have no way to know if that's right or not...I don't even know where Adalia is. She left when I was locked away and I didn't really look that hard when I got out.

[Madeline Speare]

I am the worst mother in the world.
The realization is incredibly sudden. It's like..-well getting hit with a ton a bricks. Just minus the physical harm, but the emotional harm is there, that's for sure.
"Why the hell would that whore of your sister want him?"
The words are already jumping off my tongue before I even have a chance to cover Abby's ears.
I'm on the edge of panic here.
Why? You never even wanted him, remember?[/i]
He's still my son.
"So you have no clue whatsoever where he is?"
My hand is clenching and unclenching on Abby's shoulder, and I'm surprised she hasn't cried out in pain yet.

[Logan Andrews]

"Watch your fucking mouth," I snap immediately.
So my sister is a whore, so I hate her and reserve the right to hex and hit and swear at her on a regular basis. That doesn't mean that she's allowed to call her a whore.
Just like I'd probably be very pissed off indeed if someone else had killed my brother. Just like if I ever found out who killed my other brother I'd track them down and kill them too. It's weird...sort of twisted sibling loyalty, but all the same I know that she's not allowed to say that about my sister.
And also, while on the very strange mental track of having to defend her, she's not that much of a whore. And also she does love Finley. She's probably showed him more affection over the years than myself and Madeline put together. And if she hadn't of disappeared like she did while I was locked up, I would be able to say this out loud with confidence.
But as it is, I don't actually know that Finley is with her and thus it's probably best to assume the worst.
"No I don't have any idea at all where he is," I respond after a moment, shaking my head.

[Madeline Speare]

"Watch yours, fucking hypocrite," I mutter darkly, only now registering that Abby is clinging to my leg.
Some mother I am.
I manage to haul her up into my arms, despite the fact she's shaking. It's a known fact that Abby doesn't like yelling or loud noises of any kind. Which really is ironic when you think of the rest of my family.

So it's official, we're horrible parents. Hell, Logan ad I shouldn't even be parents, well at least not together.
"No clue where he is," I mutter, gently holding Abby close to me.
"We're horrible parents,"

[Logan Andrews]

I didn't quite mean it in that context, I sort of forgot she had the kid with her until she hauls her up. And now I'm pissed off, so I'm going to swear more and deliberately.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I say wryly, tilting my head as if I'm directly addressing the child.
There, I hope she learns it. And that was really quite immature, but I really don't care because she lost my fucking son. I don't want my son, of course, but I want to know where he is at the very least.
"We? What the fuck do you mean we? You're his damn mother, should have kept a better track of him," I scowl, "You manage not to lose your other ones well enough, don't you?"

[Madeline Speare]

One of my hands instinctively goes up to cover Abby's ears and I hold her closer to my chest, making sure to send another dirty glare his way.
Oh if only looks could kill.
"I'm warning you Andrews, watch your mouth."
So yes, I'll admit I'm a horrible mother..-at least I am when it comes to Fin. It sounds horrible, it really does and I have no good excuse, but I will not let him swear in front of my baby.
It's bad enough my ten year old swears like a sailor.
"And your his father! We wouldn't be in this predicament, if you had kept it in your pants!" I snap, knowing full well it was true.
"Don't you dare talk about my other children," I warn.

[Logan Andrews]

"Or what, Speare? What the fuck are you going to do about it?"
As well as immature, that was needlessy confrontational. I don't know what happened to being civil. There is a big 'or what' of course, as in I could probably end up back in Azkaban if she so chose to try and turn me in.
"Yeah, barely," I argue, "You're the one who's always trying to be his bloody mother. I don't want anything to do with him."
And he got stuck with me anyway. Funny that.
"Oh give over," I snap back, "You weren't complaining the first time."
The second time obviously, the time that actually meant Finley, was that rape. That was a mistake, really. Largely to piss off Christopher, because I'm not all that attracted to her and it wasn't as if I couldn't score elsewhere.
"Don't I dare talk about your other children? Huh? Your illegitimate half-blood brats? Those ones?"
I think we've gotten largely off track here, because we were arguing about Finley and his whereabouts and staying here and continuing to argue isn't going to help us any. I haven't been able to be angry with anyone in so long though, it's a relief to get it out of my system.

[Madeline Speare]

So much for being civil. It's not hard to recall that Logan's always been an egotistical bastard, even more so then Ian, and I've put up with Ian's attitude for almost nine years, but that Ian, I love Ian, I don't love Logan, hell I can't stand Logan.
"As much as it pains me to say it Logan, Finley's ours, like it or not and he's our responsibility."
He's always been able to push my buttons, always.
My eyes flash dangerously as he brings up our...-past experiences. Sleeping with Logan wasn't my proudest moment, that's true. The first time was a mistake, a drunken grieving mistake.
"I'm warning you Logan, not another word about my children."
My children are my life, everyone knows that, and I won't have some filth of a Death Eater speak ill of them.

[Logan Andrews]

"Yeah, I don't fucking like it. You should have just got rid of him when you had the chance."
Ouch.
That was cold, even for me. I don't think I've even ever thought that before...that she should have just nipped it in the bud. At the time, I thought it was a chance to redeem myself because I wanted to be better then. When that wore off, I hated Finley sure, but I don't think I ever wished that he'd just never existed or anything, just that he'd stay the hell out of my way.
"I'll say what I want about the filthy little-..."
Ah, no, I don't think I will actually. I change my mind sort of halfway through the sentence and just shake my head to convey my disgust instead.
I like aggravating her. It's amusing, but I don't want to push her too far.

[Madeline Speare]

My eyes widen, and Ian's voice from almost ten years ago is in my head. "I think that we should consider getting rid of it."
"It wasn't an option Logan," I snap, my morals instantly taking over.
It hurt to hear Ian say it, and it just sucked even more so to hear Logan say it. I was never over-joyed to be carrying Logan's child, but I wouldn't exactly say I was all for getting rid of it.
I wasn't exactly happy to have it though.
"I'm warning you Logan, not another word." I mutter darkly, holding Abby closer to me.
I regret not having my wand. I regret not bringing Ian with me even more though.

[Logan Andrews]

"Why not?" I demand, although it's probably more callous to press it.
She pretty much screwed me over royally, come to think of it. If you're going to have a fucking baby, you keep it, you don't abandon it. It makes sense that way, and because she didn't want it, I ended up taking it instead. And that was okay until it started reminding me of me, actually.
I scowl vaguely in her direction in response to her warning, because really I still don't know what she would do if I didn't shut up. I just can't be bothered anymore, I forfeited, she won, whatever.
"I want to know where he is," I say firmly after a moment.
I don't want to see him or anything, or for him to know that I'm anywhere other than a cell right now, but I do want to know where he is because he is only a child still and I already have enough regrets where it comes to Finley.

[Madeline Speare]

"It just wasn't." I mutter, gritting my teeth, holding Abby close to me. I wish I left her with Ian right now.
If she repeats any foul words from this conversation, Ian will never let me hear the end of it, and I'll personal wring Logan's neck.
I'll be the first to admit that Finley was a big mistake, but that doesn't mean I don't love him. He's still my son. No matter how much he hates me.
A part of me softens at Logan's comment.
"I want to know too Logan," I mumble softly.

[Logan Andrews]

"Brilliant reasoning power," I snap in response.
I'm not even really that angry anymore. It just seems very anti-climatic to say 'fine'.
"Well...where would he be?"
I hate it that she knows more than me about something. I do like to patronise, but it's very hard to be condescending when she's more likely to have the answers.
I was in Azkaban at the time, obviously, and she knows more about children and more about Finley in particular than I do. So I don't have any idea, obviously, but she should have at least some vague...clue.

[Madeline Speare]

Glancing down at Abby, who's shaking furiously in my arms, I use my free hand to push her hair back off her forehead. Your my last chance at redemption.
It's odd that now all of a sudden that I think og my children, the children that aren't really mine, and the ones that never got a chance to be mine.
The two misscarriages, Alex, Aaron, Erin, Poppy, Charlie, Abby and of course Finely.
I've made mistakes, that's for sure.
"We'll find him," I murmur softly, turning to keep going on my way. "But not now, later."
My main focus at the moment is getting Abby home.
"We'll continue this else where,"

[Logan Andrews]

"Why not now?"
I don't want any reason to have to interact with her for a prolonged amount of time. I want to know where my son is, then satisfied that he is safe wherever he is and not dead or anything, I never have to see either her or him again in my life and that will be just fine.
I don't want to to continue this elsewhere either. I want it to the end here...or at least very soon.

[Madeline Speare]

I keep my gaze fixed on Abby, knowing full well that I couldn't look at Logan.
He was not allowed to see the fear in my eyes. "I need to get Abby home," I murmur softly.
I need to prove to myself that I am still a capable mother.

[Logan Andrews]

Who gives a shit?
I don't particularly give a shit about her kid. She can freeze out here for all I care.
It bothers me that Finley is clearly second priority. First her proper kids - because as if they don't have an easy enough life in a two parent household with financial and emotional stability - and then he comes second, even though he needs help more.
Well, maybe he needs help more. He could be lying in a ditch somewhere. We don't know, that's the point.
And she needs to give a shit about him, she needs to make him a higher priority, because we both know that I can't do that. My first and only priority has always been to look after myself, and that didn't change when Finley was around.
So she needs to care, or no one will, and that is very sad indeed.
"Fine, take her home," I mutter, and I suppose the hard, bitter note to my tone is really unfounded because we've already done the arguing bit and she has no way of knowing that I've spent the past few seconds coming to a very irritating conclusion in my head.

[Madeline Speare]

It's as if I'm just tossing Fin aside....again.
Hadn't I done that enough in his early years? I'm a horrible mother, he's right.
Abby coughs slightly, and that makes me want to get her home even more. I need to know that I'm a good mother. I love my children. The ones you have with Ian at least.

"It won't take long Logan." I don't know why I find it so important to assure him of this. "I'll be back, and then we can start looking alright?"

[Logan Andrews]

"I can't wait here," I shake my head, looking at her like she's completely derranged.
Really, I'm probably the one that's derranged for being out here in the first place. I don't know if it's escaped her notice or what, but I'm a fugitive. I'm on the run from the ministry and the price for getting caught is life in Azkaban...so really, it would be quite ridiculous for me to just hang around here while I wait for her to get back, in a wizarding street.
About as ridiculous as it is for me to be out here in the first place, but that's my own fault, but at least when I do this of my own volition I'm always on the move.