apathy

[Logan Andrews]

(yay!)

I think I should just go out somewhere, clear my head for a bit, but although I've made this decision quite firmly I'm not yet moving.
The only real movement I've made is to stare at the ceiling instead of the floor. It's a really curious sort of feeling and I've not got my head round it yet. It's not very pleasant either, and I don't think I want to feel this way really. And it's Arden's fault, really.
Well, it's mine because I started it, but then it's hers for playing along when neither of us want this. Except I sort of do want this. And that just leads back round in a circle to the whole feeling this way in the first place.
Which is why my head needs to be cleared.
I've just spurred myself into movement, when I realise she's just come back, and stop again and just say awkwardly, "Hey."

[Arden Patricks]

I open my mouth to give some sort of greeting in response, then close it again and just nod. I think I've just forgotten why I came here, but I better think of something real quick before I feel like even more of an idiot.

It's a kitchen though, that's good. There's plenty of excuses for being in a kitchen, and I quickly turn to the cupboards, grabbing a glass and filling it with water and finally finding I can speak now that my back is to him.

"Hey," I say belatedly, nodding again, then closing my eyes since he can't see and pressing the glass of water up to my forehead. This is your idea of acting like nothing happened?

[Logan Andrews]

I frown slghtly, hanging back again rather than leaving, which was my intention and which I probably should still do.
This just doesn't seem resolved, at all.
"Uh...are you okay?" I ask reluctantly after a moment, because I don't want it to sound like I'm asking for any significant reason. It's just that she's pressing a glass of water against her head and that seems a little strange.

[Arden Patricks]

"Um...." I say eloquently in response, then take a deep breath and shrug, turning around and crossing my arms after setting down the water that I don't really want. "Yeah, fine. Just... I don't know. Never mind." What am I doing here again?

[Logan Andrews]

"Okay then," I say slowly.
I'm sort of tempted to ask what she's doing here, but it's her house and she has a right to be wherever she wants to be anyway. It's just that I sort of got the vibe that she was leaving the room to be away from me, but now she's come back and it seems there should probably be a reason for that.

[Arden Patricks]

This all seemed so much easier a couple of minutes ago, when I was being secretly possessed by my voices that aren't even really separate personalities as much as I like to act like they are. It would help explain why this is so difficult now, trying to figure out how to go about... what am I doing? Trying to assume the best instead of the worst, completely illogical and stupid as that is?

"Ah... well," I start again, closing my eyes briefly and then looking at the ceiling 'cause it's easier that way. "As much as you'll probably hate me for this because it kind of goes against what we just decided about acting like everything's normal... um... I really hate lying. So I think that I'm just going to say that I think I might actually love you, and then I'm going to get the hell out of here to go and... wish I hadn't said that."

I take a deep breath again, nodding, and try to uncross my arms even though they're shaking when I do that so really I think I'll just keep them crossed because saying that was extremely hard and I don't want to do anything else hard.

[Logan Andrews]

I nod tiredly at that, because I don't think I entirely heard what she said and just assumed that it was going to be something along the lines of the conversation we just had. And then I do sort of hear it, or at least process it properly and look at her sharply.
No, that's the wrong way to react.
So I glance away again, very quickly, because now I'm going to have to say something that I might possibly regard as a bad move later on.
"That's sort of a coincidence, actually, because I was sort of thinking the same thing."
There, not saying it in as many words. Just agreeing, very non-specific, and I don't actually have to choke the words out.

[Arden Patricks]

It takes me a second to focus on what he's just said in reply, because all I'm really paying attention to now is the fact that I don't want to be in this room anymore. But then I frown at him deeply, trying to untangle that although I think if I were less mentally deficient at the moment it wouldn't be that hard.
"I'm sorry... what?"

[Logan Andrews]

I wince, closing my eyes and tilting my head back slightly in exasperation, because now I'm going to actually have to make sense.
"I think that I sort of...feel the same way."
And that was very hard to say and if she makes me say it again, I don't know...it'll be even harder.

[Arden Patricks]

I stare at him a moment, then shake my head.
Why are you always so quick to assume the thing that's going to make you miserable, but refuse to accept anything good?
"No... that can't be right. You're...." What? Barely even human? Incapable of feeling? What the hell is wrong with you, Arden?

[Logan Andrews]

I nod slightly, tilting my head forward again to look at her.
I somehow don't think that it could possibly be right either, and I don't know exactly what she's going to tell me I am but she's probably right too.
It's just how it is, and that's that.

[Arden Patricks]

And now I don't know what else to say, but I think I'm sort of hoping that maybe he'll argue if I just go ahead and say what I was going to anyway.
"You're... barely even human," I shrug.

[Logan Andrews]

That really shouldn't amuse me, but I laugh slightly, almost shakily.
"Yeah...I know."
So there's probably something deeply wrong with her if she loves me - mental cringe at the word - and she should probably be a little bit concerned about that than she is.
She just seems to want to argue, for some reason, but I don't think I'm going to change my mind. Especially if that's her argument...I already know that I'm barely even human.

[Arden Patricks]

It really isn't honestly funny, but I can't suppress a brief smile anyway when he laughs. And all of this feels just a little bit unreal anyway, so why not cease to make any sort of sense whatsoever?
"And you don't... have any feelings," I continue just for the sake of saying something. I know perfectly well that isn't strictly true.

[Logan Andrews]

I sort of laugh again, almost frowning at the same time. Everything else is conflicting, might as well let my reactions contradict each other too.
But I do have feelings...maybe, not on the usual human spectrum of emotion, but I've always had them. This one just happens to be a little closer to normal than usual.
"Well, apparently I do."

[Arden Patricks]

"Yeah, I know," I say, shaking my head a little bit and closing my eyes briefly again. "I just... am not really sure if I believe it."

[Logan Andrews]

I raise an eyebrow at that, because that's slightly irritating, because I'm not sure if she gets just how hard it was to admit that and she doesn't believe me anyway.
"Well, alright then."

[Arden Patricks]

"Sorry," I say, shaking my head. "I'm sure about... what I said, if it's any consolation."

[Logan Andrews]

"It's fine," I shake my head, then shrug...because I'm not sure if that's consolation or not. I really don't know.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod slowly, biting my lip now. Because now I'm just completely lost how we ought to act with each other, and what's going on.

[Logan Andrews]

"So...where does that leave us then?" I ask after a moment, talking more to the floor than her because I've just realised that's so much easier.

[Arden Patricks]

"I... don't know." I shake my head, completely lost. "Though I guess we're not pretending that it didn't happen anymore."

[Logan Andrews]

"I guess that wouldn't really be an option anymore," I agree, nodding slightly.
I'm not sure if there's actually any chance of anything, or if I am too...inhuman. Or even if something like that could work with people like us. Or...I don't know, maybe I should just leave.

[Arden Patricks]

"Which pretty much leaves us with... pretending that we're any two ordinary people who'e just figured out something like this... or I guess just acting like us and pretending we don't care even if we do." I shrug slightly. Or something like that.

[Logan Andrews]

"And which would you prefer?" I ask with a small shrug.
I really don't know what I want, so I think that I'm just going to try and go with it. She is very fickle though...so maybe I should take into account that she probably has less idea of what she wants.

[Arden Patricks]

"... Honestly?" I don't know if it's normal to have to think about that, but I guess it is normal for me. "Well... as much as I'm so fond of masochism..." I say slowly, rubbing my left arm to emphasize the point, "... I think I like the first. Why? What do you want?"

[Logan Andrews]

"I'm really not sure...but the first sounds...more appealing," I answer vaguely, because now I'm looking at her left arm and piecing it together with the masochism comment, "What?"

[Arden Patricks]

No kidding, I think, nodding vaguely and wandering if we can even pull it off whether both of us want it or not. But then I'm distracted and slightly confused by his question. "What... what?"

[Logan Andrews]

"What happened to your arm?" I nod at her left arm, which she was rubbing a few seconds before whether she realised it or not.
I'm not going to bring up the link to masochism just yet.

[Arden Patricks]

"Oh...." I glance down as if I've never before realized I have an arm. "Nothing, really. Random nervous habit."