apathy

[Arden Patricks]

"What, like answer the question I just asked you and you more or less ignored?" I ask, then shake my head. "And I don't think we really need to hear an more of my idiot babbling."

[Logan Andrews]

"I shrugged," I shrug again, "That's an answer. And your idiot babbling fills silences, and is amusing on occasion, so by all means continue."

[Arden Patricks]

I give a brief 'huh' of laughter, shaking my head. "I'd really rather not, especially when I don't know what's amusing about it."

[Logan Andrews]

"More on hindsight, I suppose," I shrug again, although I really should stop shrugging.
Of course it takes about ten years of hindsight, like the whole 'inbred' 'lost your marbles' argument which does strike me as quite funny now, although it definitely didn't at the time.
But again, this is important. It feels like this is just some stupid conversation filling fluff, because it's still bugging me that the whole balance of whatever we are to each other shifted and I don't understand it and neither of us are saying anything about it.

[Arden Patricks]

And of course I've no idea what he means by that, so after a couple of seconds trying to figure it out I just shake my head and look at the table again. I think I've lost track of whatever sort of point I was trying to make.

[Logan Andrews]

"So, this is..." I trail off with a shrug.
I can't think of the word. It's not quite awkward, but something close to it, I suppose.

[Arden Patricks]

"... Weird?" I suggest after a moment, shrugging. "Or is that word getting overplayed?"

[Logan Andrews]

"Yeah, it's getting overplayed," I agree, "But it's probably the most accurate way to describe it."

[Arden Patricks]

"Maybe a tad bit... uncomfortable as well," I nod, mostly at the table.

[Logan Andrews]

"That's a given though, I suppose," I nod slightly.

[Arden Patricks]

"Considering... yesterday, or just for our conversations in general?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.

[Logan Andrews]

"Both, mostly the former," I respond, frowning briefly down at the floor.

[Arden Patricks]

And I guess I have nothing further to say to that, as I don't even know why I had to go and mention it.

[Logan Andrews]

"So...are we going to talk about...that, or not?" I ask with a shrug, because it's still irritating me and the conversation seems to have petered out otherwise. It also does seem fairly important.

[Arden Patricks]

"... I suppose we maybe should," I say after a touch of hesitation, preparing to lie my heart out if I have to.

[Logan Andrews]

"I don't know what we're supposed to...discuss about it," I admit with a shrug, "It just feels like we should say something."

[Arden Patricks]

"Well...." I bite my lip slightly, staring at the table again. "Can I ask you why you did it? You're the one who started it."
I don't know if I mean to be so accusing about it, but... no, I think maybe I do.

[Logan Andrews]

"That was accusatory," I note, more to buy myself time to try and come up with something that makes sense, "And you kissed back so...it's not all my fault."
But I still need to come up with an answer, and I'm getting sick of shrugging anyway and I wish I had an answer because that would be really good.
"I was trying to think of something to say, and then it seemed like a good idea to just do that instead, so I did and..." Another bloody shrug.
And also I think I've somehow hit on the reason that I've been unable to kill her like I really should of done years ago, because really she's just an insignificant hufflepuff blood traitor who shouldn't even matter to me at all. But she does matter, a lot more than she should, and it's apparently more than just mixed up childhood friend loyalty.
So what the hell's her excuse?

[Arden Patricks]

I'm not really sure how to take that. Hell, I'm not sure why I bothered asking.
At least I can answer the first part though.
"Well, I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time for me too," I shrug, interlacing my hands.

[Logan Andrews]

"Alright then," I nod, glad to be able to do something other than shrugging.
That didn't really clear anything up for me though, it's still all a bit mixed up. I suppose maybe I should have been a bit more honest and that might have helped with the drawing honest conclusions sort of thing, but...I don't know.

[Arden Patricks]

"But clearly we were both out of our heads," I nod after a moment, trying to focus on the vague satisfaction of being right about that rather than the fact I kind of wish I wasn't.

[Logan Andrews]

"Clearly," I agree, although I don't think that's true at all. At least not on my account. "So...we just ignore it then...or...?"

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug, shaking my head. "That never works. Of course, maybe it just never works if the feeling is mutual, so... yeah, I guess we just ignore it."

[Logan Andrews]

"Okay then."
I'm incredibly relieved now that there is a solution, or apparently at least. I'd kind of not like to ignore it, I think, but that's just...a stupid thing to think, a really ridiculously stupid thing to think and I'm going to pretend that I never did think it in the first place.

[Arden Patricks]

"Yep," I say quietly, nodding again. I just have to make sure I don't get annoyed with him again because that sort of thing always seems to lead to me yelling my deepest feelings at whoever the hell I'm angry with.

[Logan Andrews]

I fold my arms uncomfortably across my chest for a moment, falling silent.
I feel like I should probably say something now, something completely unrelated to...what we're ignoring now, but I can't think of anything.

[Arden Patricks]

Now this is rather depressing.
I feel deflated again now that's taken care of, out in the open, etcetera. Deflated and very... alone. And kind of like an evil, fickle whore. Because I think it's pretty clear now I don't feel about Riley like I thought I did, nd also that the person I do feel that way about does not return the feeling.
I'm pretty sure I can be perfectly normal with him, of course. I'm pretty sure it won't be that difficult. But first, for right now, I'm pretty sure I might have to cry, or at least stare blankly for a bit until enough time has passed that I can put on my happy face like nothing has happened. I'm already staring kind of blankly at the table, but this isn't a state I like to dive into in front of other people, so I quickly shake myself out of it and stand up.
"I think I'm going to go and... something," I shrug, as if I'm just bored and don't like the room anymore.

[Logan Andrews]

"Alright," I edge a little further along the wall and away from the doorway, so she can pass without having to walk too close to me.
I think that I'm going to stand here for a little while and wonder how this even happened. Needless to say, this has never really happened to me before. Nothing like this ever, and I don't know how to deal with it or whether I can at all.
I guess it's never really been an issue whether someone reciprocates feelings like this, because I don't usually have feelings like this so it hasn't really mattered before. But it sort of does and I feel sort of sick, quite nauseous actually, and I think I'm just going to stare really hard at the floor until she's left, and then maybe I'll carry on with it after she's gone too.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod and pass by him without saying anything, staring at the floor so I don't have to look at him. I wish there was something I could say, something I could do that would... change the way things are. But I really doubt there is.

[Arden Patricks]

((Wee! Time skip! ))

Why are you always so quick to assume the very worst?
Hm. It looks like my 'voices' are back... not that they've ever really gone away. Like anybody else, of course, I argue with myself and ask questions on a fairly regular basis. It's only when this happens in a bitter, cruel tone, or else an exasperated but motherly one, like now, that I refer to it... them... as 'voices,' and don't feel quite as weird as I ought to talking back.

Because usually that's what it is, thanks, I answer, still staring at the ceiling. ... Except of course when it's not. And this way there's less disappointment.

The 'duh' is merely implied rather than actually said, but still I feel childish. And also quickly find a huge, gaping flaw in my logic.

So, of course, if that's true... then assuming the worst in this case shouldn't lead to heartache.
Not that there's any reason to believe that assuming the best would help at all. But then, on the other hand....

I'm getting annoyed with myself now, forgetting all about the resolution not to get annoyed with anyone because it often leads to being more candid than I like. Or maybe not forgetting, but deciding it's exactly what I want, and therefore that is why I've gotten up and headed back to the kitchen and now stopped there with absolutely no idea what I might possibly say.