apathy

[Arden Patricks]

Generally, in situations like this, an answer like that gets the guy slapped... I think. But in this case it makes about as much sense as anything else he could've said.
But now I don't know what to say. At all. And anyway I'd still like to kiss him again so that's what I do instead.

[Logan Andrews]

I don't think this is quite right somehow, because there's nothing telling me it's particularly wrong...and I think that this should be quite wrong, but it's not. And it's strange that just made perfect sense to me.
But, until I start thinking in my normal circles again, I'm just going to kiss her back.

[Arden Patricks]

Among all the other things really, really weird about this, I've just realized that I don't remember the last time I touched him, even so much as a tap on the shoulder. We're both rather fond of our personal space. So it really should not be this easy to be this close to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him as if... as if either of us is any sort of normal with a perfectly ordinary relationship.

[Logan Andrews]

This is the first human contact I've had since...before Azkaban, I realise suddenly as her arms just sort of end up around my neck.
It feels really, really good, actually. Better than I thought it would. I suppose I hadn't really spared it much thought, the whole touching another person thing.
And now I think it's sort of okay to move my hands gently to her waist, because she initiated contact first, so I do.

[Arden Patricks]

I'm still half-wondering if I'm going to 'wake up' in an hour or maybe sometime tomorrow or whatever, and wonder if I damaged my brain all over again by hitting my head against the wall.
But at the moment, this feels really good and I don't care if I'm deranged. I like that he's touching me back, and smile involuntarily before deepening the kiss.

[Logan Andrews]

Is she smiling? I can't quite tell because then she's deepened the kiss, and this is getting...strange, as in it's not quite as if this is Arden who I've known for...as long as I can remember and who I've bullied and befriended alternately as and when it suited me.
But I suppose that relationship of ours ended quite a while ago. Ended or mutated into this...whatever this is.
And whatever this is...it's not normal, because I think that maybe she's the one who's in control rather than me, or no one's in control at all. That's an interesting development.
I think that maybe I should possibly just stop thinking before I go further in circles, and just concentrate on enjoying this as much as I'm willing to let myself.

[Arden Patricks]

All of a sudden in the middle of kissing him, it occurs to me that this is Logan.
Logan, who treats people kind of like gum, whether he's temporarily sane or not. I don't think it's really possible to have any sort of friendship, or god forbid anything like this, with Logan without winding up seriously hurt. And wasn't I accusing him just a minute ago of deliberately messing with my head so I like him more than I should, or something like that?
I somehow don't think I would care... and it's not like I've ever cared in our friendship whether I'm likely to get hurt... but in this case I'm also being something of a whore and hurting Riley too whether he knows it or not, and so I break the kiss abruptly, leaning back against the wall again and looking away. You are such an idiot, Arden.

[Logan Andrews]

I sort of blink briefly in surprise as she suddenly draws away, because I think I've been half-expecting it the whole time. Although I don't know why now or why this exact moment and whether or not it was my fault or hers.
And I tuck my hands into my pockets now that they're not on her, because I need to do something with them now.
"Okay then..." I mutter, when she offers no explanation.

[Arden Patricks]

I think I should reply to that, but I really don't know how... unless I just shake my head, not quite looking at him.
"I really am an idiot," I mutter, disgusted and annoyed with myself.

[Logan Andrews]

"It was my fault," I half-shrug, glancing at somewhere above her head.
I'm not going to apologise though, because I don't regret doing and I don't think I'd mind doing it again, even though she's obviously disgusted with the idea.

[Arden Patricks]

That's not what I'd expect him to say, I think... and I half-start to protest but then close my mouth again. It kind of is his fault, because he's the one that started it, but I don't want to say it was anyone's 'fault.'
"This is stupid," I say after a moment, shaking my head. And I don't know what I'm talking about exactly, but it is.

[Logan Andrews]

"Ridiculous," I murmur in agreement, shrugging again slightly.
I don't know what she's talking about though, only what I am. And I mean this whole situation which is just ridiculous, and maybe I should regret kissing her in the first place because I'm still being confused about it. But I don't think I quite can regret it, no.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod in agreement, closing my eyes and hitting my head back against the wall. Which I think is a habit I picked up from Fitzy - reason enough to stop it - but it does sort of help in the very short term.

[Logan Andrews]

"You're going to concuss yourself if you keep doing that," I mutter under my breath, and then it suddenly strikes me that maybe she did concuss herself before and that's why kissed back. Aha.
And I also realise that I'm still perhaps a little bit closer to her than I should be, and take a precautionary step back, as subtley as I can. It's probably about time we start reaffirming that personal space.

[Arden Patricks]

"So? Not like my head isn't messed up as it is," I shrug, glancing at him briefly. Thanks to you... in more ways than one. "Maybe that would actually set it right, really." And then I wouldn't still want to kiss you, and also I could go turn you in....
I really don't like this line of thought, but I suppose that's because I'm still crazy.

[Logan Andrews]

"There's nothing that wrong with your head," I glance away from her and across the hall, as if I don't care enough to look at her anymore.

[Arden Patricks]

"There sure as hell is, if you think about it," I argue, shrugging and shaking my head. "Ordinary people aren't this bloody flighty, or so stupid when it comes to a particular person."

[Logan Andrews]

"Fine, you're fucked up in the head," I reply, "It's really messed up in there...so...congratulations."
And it's partly my fault, but I didn't mean any harm by it. And also it's probably quite strange that I'd still quite like to kiss her. Maybe I will, when she stops being so hostile, although maybe that would count as assault, I'm not sure.

[Arden Patricks]

Somehow, this isn't what I was hoping for. But I don't know what the hell I was hoping for, so....
I sigh, deflating slightly, and shake my head again. "Sorry. I didn't... I don't know."

[Logan Andrews]

And that's very frustrating, how she just deflates like that, because I was sort of snapping at her in the first place and it's only alright if she snaps back.
But I suppose I got my way and she's not hostile anymore, but I'm still going to stand here because I don't understand anything of what's going on.
"What the hell are you apologising for?" I settle on asking eventually, because that annoyed me too because I'm really starting to hate not understanding.

[Arden Patricks]

"I don't know." I shrug again. "Probably... accusing you of messing with my head. Which you did, but... hell, I was probably an idiot anyway. And it's not necessarily your fault that I want to kiss you."

[Logan Andrews]

"Accuse me all you like, it doesn't matter," I half-shrug, glancing away again.
So, maybe it wouldn't count as assault if I did kiss her again, if she's willing. But...well, I don't really know what's stopping me anymore. I think that I should, that I want to, that she apparently doesn't mind, but I don't know. I'm still standing here. Fuck it all.

[Arden Patricks]

"I think it kind of does," I counter, then shake my head. "This... this is stupid. This is really ridiculous. What in the hell is even going on anymore?"

[Logan Andrews]

"I have no idea..." I say after a moment, "Any insight at all?"

[Arden Patricks]

"Not really," I shrug. "All I can say is that I still want to kiss you even though I think i shouldn't and it's probably wrong, and I have no idea why I sabotage myself all the time so I'm sorry." I shrug again, running over that but finding nothing to add. "You?"

[Logan Andrews]

I nod lightly in response, "I think that I'd quite like to kiss you again too, although I'm not entirely sure what the hell has happened or why, and...yes, I think that's all."
So now what?

[Arden Patricks]

Huh. That's... weird.
"Okay...." I say slowly, nodding. "So what's stopping us then?" Other than me being an idiot. But I still think I'm an idiot either way, so which is the lesser of two evils?

[Logan Andrews]

I don't know what's stopping us. I've been trying to figure it out. I'd say it was most likely her at this point, because she was the one who pulled away, but that's about as far as I can figure out.
"I don't know," I shrug, making another twitchy little movement with my arm as if I'm going to take my hand out of my pocket and maybe...reach for her or something.
Because I think that maybe I should, or we're just going to stand here until one of us gets sick of it and leaves.

[Arden Patricks]

I think I'm forgetting about Riley again, and the fact that if I kiss him I believe I'll have become something of a whore... but now that I've remembered I'm not sure that's enough of a reason anyway, and I think I should just move closer to him like I want yo instead of just standing here like a paranoid freak convinced that something awful's going to happen.

[Logan Andrews]

I suppose my patience has just about run out now, because I sort of move back closer to her again, albeit with more hesitation than the first time.
The first time it was sort of random whereas this time it's premeditated.
And I want to give her a few seconds warning to...I don't know, escape, if that's what she wants, because this is all very twitch-inducing and insecure and strange.