apathy

[Arden Patricks]

As I've told him every other time he's told me that, I know. I really, really am. But that's never changed anything.
"Love you too," I shrug in response, being half-sarcastic 'cause I'm tired of telling him I know that.

[Logan Andrews]

I find that vaguely amusing and vaguely irritating both at once.
I'm not sure whether I'm going to laugh or scowl until I try and do both at the same time and end up just grimacing.
"You're also quite annoying," I add, because apparently it's okay to insult her today and also she is annoying me right now. or maybe she's not and I'm just annoyed and she happens to be there, or maybe I just don't like what she's said. I'm not sure yet.

[Arden Patricks]

"You're one to talk," I reply, raising my eyebrows.

[Logan Andrews]

Again, mildly amusing, but I don't think I should be laughing at my own expense, although I suppose I am quite annoying. I've never really thought about it.
"I guess I am."

[Arden Patricks]

"Good you've finally realized that." I nod slowly, then sigh. This is a pointless conversation.

[Logan Andrews]

I shrug.
This is stupid, pointless anyway.

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug back, then look at the couch for a moment before abruptly getting up... or as abruptly as I can after being still so long... and heading for the door. "I'm... going... not here," I say, then shake my head because even if I could be coherent there's really no need to announce that.

[Logan Andrews]

I shrug again, this time in apology because it's probably my fault that she's leaving, and that was what I was going to do anyway. So I decide I still am going to leave and start towards the door at near enough the same time.

[Arden Patricks]

I don't know why the hell it should annoy me that he's leaving too, especially since I already knew that before I made my little announcement... but it does, and I stop to scowl at him for no apparent reason. Which means I have nothing to say, of course.

[Logan Andrews]

I sort of pause when she starts scowling at me, twitching my head back to look at her and muttering pointedly, "What?"

[Arden Patricks]

"I have no idea, but you're particularly annoying today," I say, still frowning at him even though iIm aware I'm aware I'm being ridiculous and should probably just go back to my couch. "Never bloody mind."

[Logan Andrews]

"I haven't done anything," I reply irritably.
I wouldn't mind her saying that if I actually had done something...but I haven't. I've been relatively well behaved for quite a while now, and she's being annoying anyway...not me.

[Arden Patricks]

Which is why I said 'never bloody mind,' I think, but apparently am feeling antagonistic today because instead of saying that I shrug. "Yet."

[Logan Andrews]

"I'm not going to do anything," I argue sourly.

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug at that, leaning back against the wall. "Well, maybe not for a while, but eventually you will. And then I'll wish I'd bloody turned you in but of course I still won't because like you said I'm a complete fucking idiot."
And maybe I'm more annoyed with myself than with you, but I've given up scratching and such ages ago so I have to take it out on someone.

[Logan Andrews]

"I won't do anything," I repeat, more snappishly.
But if I do, I'm going to do it to you.
And that was just unnecessarily vicious and of course I won't do anything to her, but she doesn't understand that telling me I'm going to do something might well feature as some sick justification at some point in the future if I do.
"So...stop fucking tempting it. And if you want to turn me in so bloody badly, just go and do it."
And I can say this with complete confidence, because I know she won't. I'm just looking for the satisfaction of being right, really.

[Arden Patricks]

"Maybe I bloody well should," I snap back, perfectly aware that I won't and aware that he probably knows that. "But what the hell are you saying, that you're going to live down to my expectations if I keep saying you will?"

[Logan Andrews]

"I'm not stopping you," I reply heatedly, before shutting up abruptly because I'm not going to explain this to her anyway.
And I don't want to go out anymore either so I step away from the door, because I don't want to wander around when I'm angry...in case.
So, she can go out instead and I'll stay here and brood and be pissed off a bit more, which although it's not a great plan, will have to do.

[Arden Patricks]

"Yes you are," I say a little childishly, hitting my head back against the wall to illustrate my frustration. "Maybe not on purpose, maybe not consciously, but somehow or other you are... or did... or something, but somehow it is your fault that I can't turn you in. Somehow it is your fault I'm such a fucking idiot about you." I hit my head back against the wall again, harder, and bite the inside of my cheek because I think I've just reached the sort of emotional peak that is going to make me start crying even if it doesn't make sense to.

[Logan Andrews]

Well, I'm not all that angry anymore. Still a little irritated, but more alarmed by her expression which looks a little more upset than it did a a few seconds ago, and slightly concerned that she's going to concuss herself or something if she keeps banging her head against the wall.
So I think that the logical reaction would be to just stand here and stare at her. Yes, because that's all I can think to do.

[Arden Patricks]

I'm really quite determined not to cry in front of him though, so I very, very slowly take a deep breath with my eyes closed, then shrug and give a little laugh because I'm really not done saying my piece.
"Really though, it's possible. I mean, how the hell do either of us know what you took and what you didn't when you messing around in my head? Maybe it's all your fault that I love you, and if you'd just left me alone...." I shrug again, taking a breath. I'm pretty sure I'm rambling at this point, forgetting that I've never previously acknowledged that I know why the hell part of my brain went missing ten years ago.

[Logan Andrews]

I wish she'd stopped talking a few seconds ago because she's really messing me up now and I'm not sure where the hell this came from.
Well, at least she knows it was me who fucked around with her brain. I wonder if she knows why, but I don't suppose it matters whether or not she does.
And maybe in a minute, I can stop standing here and looking at her as if she's about to explode and actually do or say something sensible and react in an appropriate way.
Maybe it's your fault that I love you. Maybe I'll figure that one out in a minute too.
I wonder if she's finished being mildly hysterical, yet, and whether it's alright for me to speak, yet.

[Arden Patricks]

It's been a long while since I had one of these little breakdowns. I don't even remember when the last one was. I also don't remember them feeling so... therapeutic, but maybe that's just because it's been a while. I'm pretty sure it also ought to feel a little more awkward.
"... So I guess that I'll be going now," I say after a moment when he's still just standing there staring at me. Because of course I've changed my mind again and I do in fact want to get out of the house. Or at least I think I do.

[Logan Andrews]

I think that I should say something which might potentially stop her from leaving, but there is still no reply which really makes sense. Just a sort of incoherent jumble, slurred sort of slurry of potential remarks which rushes by before I can reach out and grab one of them and use that.
But that doesn't matter.
I think I might just act on a random whim that has suddenly made itself very visible and very loud in my head, because it doesn't involve speaking which is a little bit difficult when I don't know how on earth I'm supposed to reply to that lovely little ourburst of hers.
And I suppose it just makes so much sense to cross the space in between us and kiss her instead, which I do, and then only consider the implications of after I've brushed my lips against hers.

[Arden Patricks]

It's freaking me out just a little that he still hasn't said anything... making me mildly twitchy and giving me time to run over what I've just said to try and find something that might justify his slightly weird look. The only think really sticking out, I guess, is the love word, maybe, but I think I've said that before and I could just mean like a brother, or a synonym for like or for care about, and I'm composing something in my head to tell him that if need be....
But then my brain shorts out and it's all kind of moot anyway. And even though my head's in so much shock that I ought to just freeze still, subconsciously or something I kiss him back anyway.

[Logan Andrews]

Well, this is weird. Not unpleasant, but definitely strange.
It's only recently that I've been able to really consider her female on a conscious level anyway, let alone female I'm potentially attracted to. I suppose this is irrevocable proof that my subconscious is way more advanced and had already jumped to that conclusion, especially if to kiss her was the first solution that sprung to mind.
I suppose it worked though, because she's no longer leaving or talking and that suits me fine. But she is kissing back...which I also didn't quite expect.

[Arden Patricks]

Wait... this is weird.
My brain has finally unfrozen, and for some reason that's the first thing that it chooses to say. I pull back from Logan then, frowning very slightly because actually my brain is quite right.
"This is really weird," I say slowly, like the heroine at the end of a book who's about to discover that the whole story was a dream and she's really just stuck in Antarctica freezing to death.
But it's not weird in a bad way, or an awkward way. It's more... weird in the way in that it isn't weird in either of those ways. And that just can't be right.

[Logan Andrews]

"Yes, it is," I agree hesitantly, making a twitchy sort of movement as I stop myself from jerking hastily away from her...because that urge is just bult in and I don't think that I actually want to step away from her. Although I could be wrong about that, of course.

[Arden Patricks]

"Yeah...." I nod, still frowning faintly. I'm kind of half thinking I should just kiss him again, but on the other hand....
"So was that just temporary insanity on your part or what?" I ask, twitching my shoulders uneasily. Pleasepleaseplease say no.

[Logan Andrews]

That would probably require a proper answer, which I don't have.
"I'm really not sure," I answer, "It seemed...like a good idea."
At the time.
And sort of now, actually, because I think that maybe I should just do it again but she's thrown me off by not reacting at all like I thought she would.