apathy

[Arden Patricks]

I’ve been sitting here thinking for most of the day now, on the living room couch with the lights off, and I’ve finally come up with something really, really profound that might help explain my deterioration lately.

I want Travis back.

I almost have to laugh at the obviousness of it, and how I never thought of that before. Today I thought I saw him though – or somebody who looks like him, obviously – and that’s when it hit.

I thought that I was over it, but obviously that’s just because I thought I should be. And now, I don’t know what to do with this information. A diagnosis is lovely when there’s a cure, but otherwise all it really does is satisfy the need to know.

So now I know. I know why I’ve been messing with poor Riley’s mind, and I know why I’ve been apathetic. But that really doesn’t help me a whole lot.

[Logan Andrews]

I wish that the couple of days I intended to stay for really had been a couple of days, but I think it's been a little bit more than that by now.
I just sort of assumed that by now I'd have a plan, or some sort of purpose, or something. Or at least I'd have thought about where I'd be going by now, but there doesn't seem to be anywhere that I can go...or want to go.
I've nearly got to the point where I'm going to find a map and just point randomly at stick to it, no matter what.

But not yet, because I'm too busy doing something like moping.
It can only be described as moping really, because I've been slouching around Arden's house in a foul mood for however long.
And that's what I'm doing at the moment, sitting in the kitchen - because she is in the living room and I don't want to intrude - and staring at...oh, something. I'm not focused enough to deduce what it is.

To deduce anything, actually. I don't know what I'm staring at, why I'm still here, what's wrong with me, when I'm going to be anything close to normal again.
Maybe I don't care anymore. That'd be nice.

But for the moment, I think I've had enough of the kitchen. I can't risk becoming more desensitized to the awkwardness of being in someone elses home so I can't spend too long in any one place. Although I'm not sure if that makes sense.
Maybe the dementor absence means that I have started to go a little bit mad again, but a different kind of mad this time. I'm sort of lacking in blood lust. So it's either going to come rushing back and I'm going massacre as many people as possible...or it's gone for good. Either or.

I stretch idly as I get to my feet, working out uncomfortable stiffness from my joints and hovering for a moment while I decide what I'm going to go now.
I could go outside, or I could go and try and talk to Arden although that will probably turn awkward and irritating fast like it usually does. So I think I will go outside and hang around in some cold alley way or another.
I pause when I see her though, sitting in the living room with the lights off and frown just a little because that doesn't seem entirely normal on the behaviour scale.
"Sitting in the dark, huh?" I ask with a nonchalant half-shrug.

[Arden Patricks]

It takes me a couple of minutes... or at least, quite a lot of seconds; more than it should... to try and come up with a witty reply before I finally shrug. "Am I really? When the hell did you get here?"

I know he has a really annoying, mildly worrisome habit of going out god-knows-where and wandering around, so for some reason I had assumed that's what he was doing the last several hours. And it's really a very small house, so that's a little odd I hadn't noticed he was here all this time. Unless he really was somewhere else and he only just came in a little bit ago and I didn't notice that... but, either way, it's kind of troubling to discover a new threshold of self-absorbedness.

[Logan Andrews]

"I've been here for a while now," I reply slowly.
This is a little bit concerning. The house is quite small, and I've been hyper aware of the fact that she's been in here for the past few hours because it means I've not wanted to walk past or go and sit in there instead.

"So..." I mutter hesitantly, "What's wrong then?"
It's a little weird to ask things like that, and I'm a little reluctant too. But there is clearly something wrong and I don't think it's right to just ignore it and go away again. She's letting me stay here for a while, she's not turning me in...I should probably return just a little bit of courtesy.

[Arden Patricks]

"Huh." I frown slightly, but don't try to contemplate that for very long. I guess I really am that self-absorbed.

The frown stays anyway even when I dismiss that, but now it's one of... slightly uncomfortable puzzlement. Not very often that Logan asks something like that. But maybe I should just get used to the fact that he's basically not the same person anymore that I've known most of my life.

"Nothing that hasn't been for a very long while, so therefore when you think about it, nothing," I shrug. "It's a normal state of affairs for it to be wrong, so therefore it's not."

[Logan Andrews]

"That was unnecessary," I decide with a brief nod.
I don't think she really needed to answer with all that when she could have said 'nothing' or 'fuck off Logan' as they both would have had the same effect.
I feel sort of like I've been dismissed because I don't know what I'm supposed to say in response.
"And can you be just a little bit more specific for me there?"
Cos I'm not just going to leave...so ha.

[Arden Patricks]

I've already looked away again, expecting him to probably leave now, so it's kind of an unpleasant surprise when he doesn't and I have to look back at him again before looking at my hands and thinking how I should say this.

I've descended into apathy lately 'cause I tried to move on too fast because I'm still not over a death that happened three years ago.

Hm. Maybe... no. To be honest, I'm not sure I can mention Travis at all without being/feeling pathetic... and especially not to Logan. So now I can either make something up or just ignore him.

Or shrug. "I'm being my usual, completely pathetic and ridiculous self who can't make up her mind about anything and then falls into depression over things that happened years ago. That any better?"

[Logan Andrews]

"No," I shake my head.
That wasn't any better. I think that maybe I should be getting something from this...as if I should be sort of figuring this out but what she's saying doesn't make much sense to me at all.
And I can't really press either because I'd feel more ridiculous about that than I already feel about this. I'm only going to try so hard to be nice before I'm just going to give up. Which is right about now.
"But...alright then."

[Arden Patricks]

I nod vaguely at that, half-relieved and half-wishing I wasn't being so vague.

"So what've you been up to all day?" I ask, shrugging, to make sure the subject stays changed.

[Logan Andrews]

"In there," I half-gesture vaguely towards the kitchen, not caring that the answer is just a little bit out of context with the question.
But that's what I've been doing, brooding in there all day so it doesn't matter. What does matter is that I feel cheated now that she's changed the subject. Even though I gave up, it doesn't make it alright for her to do that.

[Arden Patricks]

"Mm," I nod, mildly amused despite myself. ""Sounds enthralling."
I think it might be really weird that I'm still sitting here in the dark while I talk to him, and I'm wondering if it might help to turn the lights on because apparently even the whole apathy thing hasn't killed whatever errant brain cell is in charge of deciding who I'm attracted to.
And I won't be more specific than that, even with myself.

[Logan Andrews]

"Oh...yes," I shrug, "As enthralling as it gets for me nowadays."
Which is sad, but unfortunately true. I've recently realised that I don't enjoy anything since I stopped wanting to hurt people, so I compensate by sitting around and hating that fact for hours on end until I can't stay inside anymore, so I walk around outside and hate it even more.
"Although, sitting in here doesn't seem that much more interesting," I shrug again, because this is what she's been doing so she can't criticise what I've been doing.

[Arden Patricks]

"No, not especially," I shrug. "But I don't have a life so there you go."
I do have much more of one than he does, of course, but I hadn't really thought of that before I started speaking.

[Logan Andrews]

I raise an eyebrow ever so slightly at that, making a small disagreeing sort of noise in the back of my throat.
She does have a life, much more of a life than I do at the very least although that's hardly an accomplishment. She has Riley, does she not? Riley who I'm glad I haven't run into since because I'm still just a little bit sour towards him for reasons I don't want to examine properly.
Although I suppose the tone of that thought is...just all wrong anyway, so I'm going to ignore it.

[Arden Patricks]

"Well, granted, I have more of a life than you do," I shrug. "But mostly I'm a hermit."
Especially lately, since I'm avoiding people again.

[Logan Andrews]

"Yes, well apparently," I agree.
I had noticed she was a little hermit-like, I suppose. In that non-noticing sort of way when until I'm confronted with the word or phrase it doesn't appear obvious at all.
"Should probably...I don't know, get out more or something," I shrug.
Because she can, whereas I can't and I think that she should be making the most of this as opposed to voluntarily imprisoning herself.

[Arden Patricks]

"Might," I shrug. "But what's the point?"
Riley and Lilith are about the only friends I have left now, and I'm currently avoiding the former. And I think any actual social skills I once had have managed to atrophy down to almost nothing.

[Logan Andrews]

"Not going stir-crazy?" I suggest.
That's a reason for getting out and actually interacting with other people, I think. Or maybe that's just me, maybe she has a normal amount of issues with her sanity.

[Arden Patricks]

"Well, I do leave the house on occasion," I shrug, in case he hasn't noticed. Just to go walking, but still - it's enough to stave off insanity. "And the occasional brief conversation with you is about as much human interaction as I actually need."

[Logan Andrews]

"Yes," I shrug.
I don't see the need to point out I'm actually very aware of where she is when she is in the house because it means that I can't then be there, so in turn I'm also aware of when she's not in the house. And also I don't have much to say about our interaction which always seems to be of this awkward, distant sort of calibre anyway, so I'm just going to agree with her.

[Arden Patricks]

I frown slightly, trying to decide if that's a reply that actually makes any sort of sense in context, but then just shake my head.
"Anyway... so speaking of leaving the house... I take it that's why you go? Because you're stir-crazy?"

[Logan Andrews]

"Yes," I shrug again, "It helps."
This conversation has become sort of one-sided because I'm not really contributing much, but I can't think of anything to say anyway.
I'm still a little ticked that she managed to completely change the subject without giving me a proper answer, but I still don't care enough to press it.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod at that vaguely, considering now whether to just drop the conversation entirely. But of course I guess that would be rude.
"Take it that's where you're headed now?"

[Logan Andrews]

"I was," I murmur, in an almost accusatory way as if it's her fault that I stopped to talk to her - which it sort of is, although I doubt it was her intention.

[Arden Patricks]

"I'm not stopping you," I shrug, perhaps a bit defensive in reaction to what sounds almost like accusation. "Unless of course you're doing something that violates the terms of our agreement."
Hm. That sounds weirdly... cold, professional.

[Logan Andrews]

I frown a little bit at that because it sounds...horribly professional.
I have a weird urge to challenge her now, in a 'well, what would you do about it if I was?' sort of way, but that's stupid and I shouldn't be so confrontational anyway, especially when I'm trying to be nice. And I know what she'd do; she'd turn me in.
"Well...I'm not, thanks for the vote of confidence."
Maybe if I'm going to insist on feeling confrontational then I'll settle with deciding she expects me to fail and 'violate the terms of our agreement' so then I can be resolute in proving her wrong.

[Arden Patricks]

"Anytime," I shrug with a very brisk nod... in essence saying that I really don't have any confidence in him... which come to think of it is true. Every single day that I find he still hasn't murdered anyone - at least as far as I know - comes as a surprise. Not exactly a shock, sure, but definitely a surprise.

[Logan Andrews]

"Good," I mutter, not much caring that this is hardly a witty response.
Although I do feel quite triumphant because she is wrong, because I know the difference between the prelude to murder and a total absence of the correct state of mind, and because I have not and have no intention of hurting anyone.
So...ha, again.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod again without any reasoning behind it, then shrug and look down at my hands. I wonder if I ought to have more faith in him, even though on the surface it seems like a ridiculous thought. When's he ever earned it?
And why in the hell am I letting him stay here if I really think so little of him?
"You know I probably won't actually turn you in," I say after a moment, shaking my head. "Knowing me and all."
I don't know if this is some weird test or just me displaying a total lack of sense.

[Logan Andrews]

I sort of half-expected that. Like how I used to always expect that she would forgive me. She always did up until a certain point...I think it was after the whole business with the mudblood who struck William's fancy, I don't remember her name anymore. That was when she stopped forgiving me.
And then I suppose I sort of expected that she wouldn't turn me in either, because she has no sense like that.
"Then you really are an idiot," I tell her with a shrug.
I've had enough of forcing politeness anyway, and this is true. She really is an idiot if she wouldn't turn me in. She probably should have turned me in already, which of course I don't want her to...but she should have.