|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 27, 2008 15:33:06 GMT
I’m shaking really badly and can’t seem to swallow. I think I might cry, and/or run screaming into the ocean just so I don’t have to feel like this.
And I haven’t even set foot in the prison itself yet.
Sinking down on some rocks, I press my hands up to my forehead as if I can hold in my brain that way, hold on to the last shreds of sanity. Nobody sane comes her voluntarily, but maybe I still can be saved.
I could’ve just gone to the Ministry – a place that makes me marginally less queasy than Azkaban does – and asked for their records on Logan Andrews, asked them if he was alive – unlikely – and whether there was anyone else who cared that he isn’t.
But no – I have t punish myself. Because that’s what this is – a punishment for not keeping him alive… or maybe for just not believing him way back a decade ago, when he really was reformed and maybe could’ve stayed that way if I hadn’t acted like he wasn’t, and then he’d not have come here and he wouldn’t be dead now.
I don’t know. Maybe I am just insane. For caring about him, as if he were a brother. For caring about him even more than my own brother. Yet not caring enough to… I don’t even know. To find a way to save him, I suppose, even from himself.
There are tears on my hands now and I don’t know how they got there. Even when I wipe a few more out of my eyes, I stare at them uncomprehendingly. Why am I crying for someone I gave up on?
The aren’t any answers to that, and after a couple more minutes I stand up shakily, completely abandoning my brain so that it’s a little easier to walk into Hell. They drive people mad here, but I’m already crazy – so maybe I’ll be safe. Or they’ll make me sane.
It’s a theory I have, that the dementors made him sane. He wasn’t as loopy when we talked here as he was when we talked in the real world… at least if I remember right. Maybe they had to make him sane in order to punish him properly, because while he was crazy he was shielded from remorse and the like.
Maybe…. I think, squeezing my eyes shut as I pass a dementor, feeling like I’m walking slow motion through waist-high water. But I never finish the thought, because when I open them again I’m staring at his cell. I’m sure that it’s cell, even if I didn’t come here as I often as maybe I should’ve… I remember well enough.
And it is, predictably, empty.
I turn away immediately, like I don’t want the cell to see my fresh tears. Because the cell, of course, is so very sentient like that.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Oct 27, 2008 21:46:17 GMT
The first week of being in here I was fine. Sitting in front of the bars, staring out at everything that passed by, just waiting for someone to come by and tell me that it was all just a mistake or they had no real proof and I could get out, or just to tell me how long I was going to be in here for. They never came, surprise surprise, of course they wouldn't, they wanted to give my hopes up.
The second week I saw Riley, I was depressed, slumped in a corner most of the time, not eating, getting absolutely no sleep and I knew that wasn't good as it was. Then we were fighting, it just kept getting better and better. My eyes were either puffy with tears or outlined with dark lines from the lack of sleep. My cheeks tear stained, and I could slowly feel myself weakening.
Riley knew why I killed Lilian, well I said why I'd killed Lilian, which wasn't absolutely true, but he believed it. He hated me too, well I'm still convinced he hates me, just for that I wasn't any longer wearing the wedding ring I had to put back on, no, it was stuffed down in one of my pockets on my jeans.
The third week I was seeing things that really weren't there, lying on my back and staring up at the ceiling, I was talking more and more to myself and the little voice in my head, though it never seemed to include arguing, surprisingly. I was seeing people walking by, occasionally into my cell (that right there told me it wasn't happening, though I wish it really truely was). I wasn't eating much, but I ate maybe half of what they gave me for food and only half the time. Really I wasn't too worried about my survival anymore, especially since I was already half gone.
Slowly I'd noticed my change in weight, which really was a big difference seeing as I'd only been there for about three weeks. No one had come by to yet tell me how long I was in there for, I felt sick too. Sick of the place and sick to my stomach, which resulted in me coughing a lot and throwing up, which really was annoying since I had to live next to the stuff.
I was slowly starting on the fourth week, tired, but sitting infront of the bars again, occasionally looking past them, but otherwise playing idly with them with my fingers. Occasionally a person would pass, but I paid no attention really, only occasionally catching a face of someone, though no one I knew.
My eyes slowly fell shut after a moment, and I started letting myself fall asleep, a small grin on my lips, really whenever I thought about it I'd always open my eyes and wouldn't get another chance at sleep, right now was different, and I wasn't complaining. Though a moment later I heard footsteps passing and I had to look to see who it was. Only problem I missed them barely.
That's how I came to be kneeling, hands grasping the bars, and trying to peer out between them. It seem useless, though it couldn't have been because the person was only stopped a cell away. Looking at them for another moment, I made a sort of 'eep' like sound and started back from the bars. Arden was here for whatever reason, but I didn't want to see her and I was sure she wouldn't want to see me either.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 28, 2008 1:35:47 GMT
Get a hold of yourself, Arden. Just get a hold of yourself.[/i]
I'm not really sure how to do that, but I wipe my eyes quickly with the edge of a sleeve and will myself to stop crying. I've now found what I came here for, and can therefore get out. Maybe when I'm out, I can stop being ridiculous. It's really just the presence of the dementors that's making me so weepy... that's all. I have to get out before it gets worse, before I lose my mind and start seeing things.
Things such as Riyann, sitting in a cell.
I shake my head quickly. That can't be right....
But, then again, she is a deatheater who recently murdered at least one person. I feel very cold at the thought - whether the part where she's a killer or the fact she might be here, I'm not sure - and approach the cell cautiously. "Riyann? Is that you?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Oct 28, 2008 2:18:27 GMT
She's just turned around and I catch a glimpse of Arden wiping her eyes and I took another step further into the cell. I hated it in here, and the fact was that I was stuck in here, but that didn't mean I wanted to see Arden. For one it told me Arden wasn't up and gone like she had said she was going to do, which I had been fine with her staying in the first place. Just now I was out of the picture. I didn't much like that
Hearing her call out my name and ask if it was me as she slowly approached the cell I took another step back. "How've you been?" I asked softly, not answering, not moving closer to the bars, not looking at her directly. Instead I was looking up at the ceiling again.
Why is that so interesting to you? Nothing's there.
That was the first thing the voice had told me that wasn't agreeing with me, that was actually contradicting me.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 28, 2008 2:52:10 GMT
I feel strangely sick at the confirmation it is, and shake my head at her question. "Are you asking the ceiling or me? How... how've you been?" I ask cautiously, not really sure I want to know the answer.
There is something very wrong, I am sure, with coming here to cry at Logan's death, and not be so bothered at the fact that she's here. At the same time, I feel like I ought to hate her more, for what she did.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Oct 29, 2008 2:23:54 GMT
"More towards you." I said, feeling a slight tickle in my throat before starting to cough slightly and then to cough a little more. She asked me how I've been and really, I was coughing just slightly too much to answer at the moment.
After another few moments of just coughing I forced myself to stop, which really didn't feel good and my throat started to burn slightly. "Perfect." I whispered, shaking my head slightly.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 29, 2008 2:32:18 GMT
I bite my lip at that, feeling really awful... feeling pity. And yet I somehow can't bring myself to think 'you shouldn't be here.' Not with conviction. So what the hell is wrong with me?
"How did you get caught?" I ask quietly after a moment. Not very tactful, of course, but I do want to know.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Oct 29, 2008 2:39:10 GMT
That question kind of caught me off guard, first of all she hadn't seemed to believe that I was here, but she'd called my name like she'd expected it, so somehow she might've expected my appearance here, but she made it sound like she knew why I was here.
"What d'you mean?" I asked, raising an eyebrow, sitting up now and moving to my knees before standing and walking towards the cell bars.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 29, 2008 2:45:58 GMT
I shrug slightly. Is that really a question that needs explaining?
"I mean... well... what was it you messed up on to get you caught? Why're you here?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Oct 29, 2008 2:50:27 GMT
I wonder if she was covering up and knew why I was here. Really Riley had been almost one of the only ones that knew what I'd done, so he had to have talked to her. Well, I'm sure they've seen eachother since he left as it is, but yes.
As she reworded herself I stayed silent, wondering if I should just come out and say why I was here or not, so I shrugged a little, moving towards the bars and leaning slightly on the wall and bars where they met in support of my body weight.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 29, 2008 3:23:46 GMT
I suppose I didn't really expect her to answer such a rude question, but I sigh anyway. It doesn't seem right now to just leave her, but I can't think of anything to say.
"Is there anything you'd like to ask me?" I ask after a moment, really just feeling depressed now more than anything from being in here so long.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Oct 30, 2008 1:56:48 GMT
She sighed and I didn't say anything, I mean she honestly could not have expected and answer, one from me no less.
"Already asked how you've been." I said, shrugging a little. Anything else I wasn't sure of. Except maybe to ask how Riley was doing, but I'd save that for later.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 30, 2008 2:23:20 GMT
"And I guess I didn't answer," I reply, tilting my head and leaving it at that. "I don't suppose you'd happen to know anything about where Fitzy is, would you?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Oct 30, 2008 2:25:08 GMT
"Do you plan on it?" I asked, raising a slightly eyebrow as she tilted her head slightly. "I've seen him, talked to him. Why?" I asked softly. I even threatened his kid.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 30, 2008 2:32:53 GMT
"Recently?" I ask, perking up a bit - and therefore experiencing quite an unpleasant sensation as the sudden hope is washed out by despair again due to the dementors. I'm ignoring the other line of questioning completely now. "Because nobody else has in almost two months now... ever since you people started coming out of the woodwork again."
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Oct 30, 2008 2:36:39 GMT
I didn't answer her first question, instead I waited for her explanation, almost smirking slightly at the fact that she'd perked up slightly by my answer. "Oh, well definitely more recently then anyone else then." I said with a small shrug. "You people? What is that supposed to mean Patricks. Last I checked you're brother's one of the 'you people' you're talking about." I said, glaring slightly towards her.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 30, 2008 2:48:04 GMT
"Is he still then?" I ask quickly, raising my eyebrows and really not liking her smirk or information... even if at least it does mean he was alive more recently than anybody else knows. "If you've seen him recently, where and when was it and what was going on?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Oct 30, 2008 2:55:34 GMT
"Yes, I'd say he is." I said, nodding slightly and then crossing my arms infront of me. "Maybe he doesn't want you babysitting him, why should I say where and when?" I asked, raising an eyebrow towards her, tilting my head faintly at the question I'd asked. I almost just wanted her to beg me to tell her because, knowing that if she really wanted to know that she would because I was apparently the only one that's seen him in a couple of months.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 30, 2008 3:03:54 GMT
"Because as far as I know he's dead and so is my niece," I burst out, nearly shouting at her now. "And you're the one person I've run into in weeks who knows anything about it, so if there's any decency left you really ought to tell me what you know."
I guess she already said that he's a deatheater again, though not in so many words, and that still doesn't explain his disappearance, not really. I also am aware - or I was, just a minute ago - that it really isn't fair to interrogate her like this. But now she's just being infuriating.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Oct 31, 2008 2:00:54 GMT
I took a step back at her sudden out burst. I knew I shouldn't have pushed quite like that, but really, I hadn't talked to anyone other than Riley since coming in here. They hadn't told me how long I'd be here, nothing. No contact with the outside world. Maybe it's best to draw this whole unexpected visit out a bit and not give her any answers she wants for a while, just so that I can have someone else to talk to. Though she'd more than likely walk away.
"Well they're not, and it was only before I got put in here that I saw them so no need to burst you're bubble." I muttered, rolling my eyes softly, trying not to focus to much on the things she's said to me just now. Like if I had any decency. I guess I really don't, because I didn't tell her all that I knew. Too bad.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2008 14:23:26 GMT
I close my eyes a moment, nodding and gulping down air at what she says. They're probably alive then, that's something... and she's not going to tell me anything else, I guess, nor should she really have to.
"Thank you," I manage stiffly after a moment, turning to go.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Nov 2, 2008 15:35:17 GMT
I let a slow breath pass my lips and just nodded at her thanks, I didn't want to hear her say thank you, but that was too late. Really she should just hate my guts like it seemed everyone was starting too. Then again, that was only happening because of my own doing. "Hey Arden." I called softly, biting my lip a little after she turned to go. I didn't want her to leave me alone in here, but being alone was just bound to happen. "H-how's Riley doing?" I asked, looking up at her and then down at the floor in front of me, mostly because I was completely ashamed and I couldn't believe I was asking her how he was doing, but she should know, she had to have seen him recently.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Nov 2, 2008 15:52:11 GMT
I turn back and stare at her a moment, biting back the immediate thought of a scathing and resentful, 'why should you care?' sort of reply, and eventually shrugging. "He's... fine. Coping, as far as I know. Girls aren't happy with him though." I shrug slightly again, reminded that I really ought to go and see them all soon, because really my reply should be more certain and detailed than it is.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Nov 2, 2008 16:17:32 GMT
I watched as she turned and stared at me before biting her lip. I had expected a comment that didn't count as giving me the answer to my question, just because I know that he's told her everything that he knew about all of this. Nodding at her answer I was glad she gave me that, though now I know she wouldn't even think of sticking around to make it so I wasn't alone for a short bit. "They still aren't?" I asked softly, feeling worse now, because really they should be, because I was in Azkaban and they should hate me because I wouldn't be able to see them much like I promised, hell I doubt I'd see them at all, ever again. Because there would be no way I'd let them come visit me in a place quite like this.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Nov 2, 2008 16:25:53 GMT
"As far as I know," I shrug. "Hopefully they've softened a bit though." Maybe, perhaps, learned to blame the right person....
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Nov 2, 2008 16:29:29 GMT
"Hopefully." I whispered. I wonder if she knew how bad I wanted everything to be alright again, I wonder if she knew I was still madly in love with Riley, or if she even cared, if she just thought of me nothing better than a pile of dirt.
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Nov 2, 2008 16:37:32 GMT
I nod at that, expressionlessly because I don't know which one to have. I really don't like her at all, but I also know I'm biased and that probably I shouldn't be so cold... so it's very unnerving when she says something like this.
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Nov 3, 2008 3:44:29 GMT
She just nods a little, no expression showing on her face. I didn't want to make her think differently about me, but I wouldn't mind if she didn't hate me so much. I mean, what exactly have I done to her to make her hate me? Nothing, unless you count coming back from the dead back ten years ago. "H-how've you been?" I asked, not really switching much of a topic, but I really don't want to be left alone quite yet. Well I didn't want to be alone in this place at all, I didn't even want to be here. Then again, who did?
|
|
|
|
Post by Arden Patricks on Nov 3, 2008 15:58:17 GMT
That's the second time she's asked that, which I think is awfully strange. Why the hell does she care?
And actually, I really don't even know what my answer is, so maybe I should just say that.
"I don't know," I shrug. "Why do you ask?"
|
|
|
|
Post by Riyann Servansikk on Nov 4, 2008 2:28:21 GMT
I wasn't sure why I had asked the question once again, but it wsn't like she'd actually answered me, especially after she had asked me if I wanted to ask her anything. So clearly she said then that she'd give me an answer. And she hadn't.
I wanted to comment rudely on how she really ought to know, but I left it at that. "Gets to be a bit to much to handle in here, it's nice to know how everyone else is dealing." I muttered, rolling my eyes slightly. " 'cuse me for asking."
|
|
